Happy 2012!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

2011 has definitely been a journey. I can honestly look back on the year, smile, and look forward to 2012.

To anyone out there reading this blog, thanks for stopping by and listening to my stories.  See you next year!

T

Change

So I'm half way through my freshman year at university and have realized that:
1) It's not as bad as I thought it was.
2) I wasn't as prepared as I thought I was.

The material isn't hard, it's the work load.  Technically speaking, the university is expecting each person to put in about 45 hours a week for school (which is more than a normal full time job).  On top of that, there's family time, time with friends, eating, sleeping, extra-curricular activities, work, and commuting time.  Basically, something has to give.

What I've learned to do is combine things I need to do.  For example, family time and time with friends can be combined with time scheduled for eating.  Or I can do school work while eating at the same time.  Needless to say, sleep was severely cut down and commuting time was used for work, sleep, or talking with friends.

University has definitely taught me how to multitask and to manage my time.  Things I thought I was good at before but was clearly wrong.

These past four months, I've worked harder than I've ever worked before.  Will I remember the content I've learned?  No.  Will I remember the experiences and soft skills?  Definitely.

Being thrown into such a crazy environment has really taught me a lot about myself, life, and how I see the world.  I've changed.  I've grown.  And I'm learning from my mistakes.

It's a long road ahead of me for the rest of my educational career, but I'm looking forward to it.  This is after all what I've been so looking forward to when I was a senior in high school.

T

Good Life

The best part about last night was sitting there surrounded by people that I hold so closely to my heart singing this song at the top of our lungs and feeling an overwhelming happiness.  It was beautiful and I felt so lucky to have gotten to experience that moment.  I will forever keep it in the deepest corner of my mind so that it can never be forgotten or lost.

When I was twelve, I decided that when I was eighteen, one of two things would happen. I'd either 1) be all better and recover from the misery I was feeling, or 2) run away and get away from the misery I was feeling.  About two weeks ago, I cried because I didn't think either of those was going to happen.

Yesterday I turned eighteen.

Dear twelve-year-old me, don't worry. It all works out in the end.

Clarity, Peace, Serenity

Nothing like a weekend away to give you perspective on what's really going on.

Last weekend, I learned who I was and who I wanted to be.

I learned my purpose and my motivation.

I gained a new found appreciation for my friends, the opportunities I've been given, and my family.

Life's far from perfect, but that's okay.

This weekend I found an inner peace and tranquility that I've never felt before.

And all I had to do was get away.

"myself and i, we've got some straightening out to do"

Studying Now in Session

I first wanted to take a typical teenager webcam photo.  And then I got excited when I realized I was supposed to take four different photos to fill the frames, not just one.  So I decided to make a funny face, as webcam photos should be.  And finished off laughing at my stupidity.

This is what studying looks like...

Loser? Yes. Sleepy? Yes. Learning about management? Getting there.

The view from my window is gorgeous.  Overlooking the air traffic path and facing sun set.  The moon comes into view at 2AM.  I get these moments where I just stop for a moment and stare outside.  To see how beautiful things can really be.  To reflect on how lucky I actually am.  Peace in my sanctuary.  The view from my four walls.

Now Playing: You Do, You Don't

This song has been on repeat for the past few days.  In a way, I feel completely connected to it but I'm still trying to put my finger on the exact reason that this song is making me feel so strongly about it.  It feels like it's more than the beautiful piano or voice or words that's causing my reaction.  Nevertheless, at the end of the day, it's still a good song.

"the world is calling out" - Simple Plan, When I'm Gone
DIY bracelet I'm wearing right now.

The Sunset

I walked home during sunset today.  It's was incredibly beautiful.  It's the kind of evening haze that feels surreal.  Like the sky was painted by a very talented person and inserted into my line of sight.  It's incredible how purple and orange and pink and perfect the sky can be.  The best part is when the silhouette of an airplane flies into the sunset.  Or when the birds dance around above.  The rush of headlights and taillights passed me by, almost blinding with the harsh lights on the streets when it wasn't fully dark yet.  Intrusive yet pretty.  The cool wind was hitting my face and pushed my hair back.  It was picturesque without the picture part.  A movie without film.  My emotions were spilling everywhere.  Every scar, every bruise, every tear, every laugh, every moment of peace.  It mixed in me like the colours in the sky.  I wanted to capture this moment.  I wanted to bottle it up.  I wanted to freeze in a frame and keep it forever.  But the truth is, photographs and recordings and writing can't capture that moment enough.  It's one of those rare moments in life that we don't ever get back.  If I ever walked home like that again, it won't be the same and neither will I.

Random Rants on my Phone

I tend to pass the time waiting for the bus by typing random lyrics and thoughts into my phone. That also means my phone memory is practically full by now. So tonight, I decided to clear them all out. The following is a random rambling of thoughts from 10AM in August. I remember feeling absolutely confused about what was happening and what I was doing. I also remember feeling absolutely scared of the possibility of losing someone I really cared about.

I don't understand how I could have fallen so hard yet he doesn't feel a thing. How can he be saying all these words but not truly mean it? How can he start up all these moments but still stay perfectly uninvolved while I'm sucked into a vortex of longing? I never wanted any of this. I didn't want to fall in love. I promised myself I wouldn't do it again. So what now?

This Song Saved My Life

This is probably one of the most personal videos I have ever made. I was contemplating not uploading this, but film making is about emotions and story telling and this video is both. The words featured in this video are actual excerpts from my diary during a tough time in my life. And during those tough times, I had mentors and support from friends, but most of all, I had music. One of the most prominent songs in my life is "Welcome to My Life" by Simple Plan. It spoke for me when I couldn't find the courage to and gave me something to relate to. This song saved my life.

Song: This Song Saved My Life - Simple Plan


*NO COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT INTENDED.

Puffy eyes and trembling lips.

I spent five minutes thinking about it.
I logged in.
Clicked your name.
Typed my message.
Deleted it.
Signed out.

I'm too scared to tell you this but it has to come out.

You are the best friend I've ever had. So smart, so kind, so entertaining.  Pretty much, amazing. And seeing you happy, whether I'm in the picture or not, makes me happy. I want so bad for you to smile, more then I want it for myself.  And you'll never know it, but I love you, and I mean it with all my heart.

"nevermind I'll find someone like you"

I was cleaning my room the other night when I found old notes we used to pass to each other in class and doodles that he would give me.  And then he posts a great picture of himself on Facebook.  And once again I'm left here missing him.

And I thought I'd be okay, that it wouldn't affect me as badly as it used to because my heart is learning to fall again for someone new.  But that someone new is still not over a girl who broke his heart.  He tells me he loves me, but at the end of the day, he's not IN love with me.

So I sit and listen to music because that's the only thing that makes sense through all of this.

Internal Monologue #3

I feel like he's the reason for my downfall. He's a poison. Like a drug. Because I can't go my day without thinking about him but my brain, the thing that's supposed to be making smart decisions, thinks it was him. It was him who distracted me, freed me from my work, made me different. I'm not regretting any of it, I mean, some of it, but overall, I don't. Because I value him. I do. So why does it feel like a goodbye is on the verge of arrival? I feel like this toxic waste won't survive through the winter. I want it to but I think logic will ultimately separate us and it's truly the worst thought in the world right now. I can't help it. This thought just keeps popping up. And if I was brave enough, I'd say it to his face. But I'm not. And so I wait. I'm screwed...?

If I told you I loved you...

Shattered heart in pieces, glued together with his words.
Replaced the old school feelings, thinking love's just so absurd.
Oh if only life were simple, he’d be with me, I’d never hurt.

Can you tell that she doesn’t love you like I do
Wouldn’t stay up holding your hand
And she doesn’t see you like I do
Doesn’t notice your sparkle in the night
Still we stay up late whispering about how you can’t get her off your mind
And I’ll be fine, perfectly alone

Never want to lose you or say goodbye forever.

But you'll find my replacement, it's not so hard moving on.

Oh if only you felt the same, you'd be with me, I'd never hurt.

Can you tell that she doesn’t love you like I do
Wouldn’t stay up holding your hand
And she doesn’t see you like I do
Doesn’t notice your sparkle in the night
Still we stay up late whispering about how you can’t get her off your mind
And I’ll be fine, perfectly alone

I know you're saying these promises today in the boredom of the night

But when you wake up in the morning, will I still be the one?

Will I be there always in the back of your mind?

The first one you call.

Can you tell that she doesn’t love you like I do
Wouldn’t stay up holding your hand
And she doesn't see you like I do
Doesn’t notice your sparkle in the night
Still we stay up late whispering about how you can’t get her off your mind
And I’ll be fine, perfectly alone

A Little Help from the Art Gallery

aTEEproduction's photostream on Flickr.

I went to the art gallery with a friend and became very inspired. I was more relaxed, more motivated, happier, and more creative. So I decided to take up photography for the summer. It's not any good, but it's fun.

Another kind of letter.

Dear ___________,

I hope you know how special you are.  And I want you to know that I meant everything I said to you.  Every moment was genuine.  You made me laugh and you were all I could think about.  You were supportive and listened and I couldn't have asked for anything more.  But I did.  If I was any other girl at any other time, I think something more could have happened between us.

But this is my apology letter, months later, because I was and never will be strong enough to do it in person.  But I ran away because I'm quite broken and you deserve to not deal with that.  I wanted to open up to you, but it's hard.  I've spent a long time building walls.  And maybe that was another reason I ran away.  maybe you and I were something too soon.  Before I even knew who you really were, before you knew who I really was.  It felt like a storybook of assumptions.  That was scary, and I'm a scaredy cat.

I also heard that you just broke up with your girlfriend only a few months ago.  I dont' usually care what people think, but for some reason, I did this time.  I don't know what the details were or if there were any truths in what they said, but I didn't want to be the second choice, the rebound.  I'm sure I wasn't, but I couldn't shake that feeling.

Most of all, you deserve someone who can fully give her heart to you.  I'm too stuck in the past to move forward with you.  That night we danced together, I realized that I'm not the one for you, and maybe, you weren't the right one for me.  You don't know this, but I was having a terrible day and though you were able to make me smile, someone else was there to make me feel better.  I guess I wasn't as ready to move on as I thought I was.

So sitting here thinking about leaving you and leaving us like we did, it's not appetizing.  But it's how it goes.  This is me saying sorry.

-T

--------------------------------
This letter was written on a piece of scrap paper back in June during my exam week.  I didn't want to study and with prom and commencement coming up, I couldn't shake the feelings of leaving so many lose ends in high school.
The truth is though, the past is in the past and I'm living for the now.  I'm pretty much over any guy I've ever felt anything for in high school.  They'll always be a part of me, I mean, they've definitely helped define who I am today.  But it's over, and I'm headed off somewhere new.  It's like a breath of fresh air, really.

Health and Wellness Blog #2

Whoops.  Today I ate McDonald's for lunch, grabbed a snack at Tim Hortons, and then went home to enjoy some pizza leftovers.  Does walking around for a few hours make up for the fact that I ate all those bad, bad things?

In any case, I did go out and socialize, and look at art in the gallery, and explore my city, and watch boats at the docks, and hang with my best friends, and helped a friend in need of someone to talk to.  So living, yup, did that.

Some revelations of the day:
1) Am I over him?  Almost one and a half years later and yep.  I still care for him.  But if he's happy, I am too.  And you know what, it's okay that him and I are over.  Life is moving fast and I can't stay in the past. (Woah rhyme).
2) I am very excited about what lays ahead of me.  Two awesome jobs this summer.  Some awesome friends to chill with.  An awesome university program, a film course, growing up!  It's a scary and fast ride but I'm loving it.

Health and Wellness Blog #1

Last summer, I started a "reinvention" plan to try and get over a boy and be that person that I wanted to be.  I guess I never really got over that boy, but it did change my work ethic and outlook on life.  So this summer, I'm trying something new.

They say a healthy mind and body makes for good work and when you're a positive person, that overflows onto others.  My hope is that the good habits I build this summer will last me for a long while, because as scary as it may be to think about it, life is moving FAST and I need to keep up with it.  "If you're not busy being born, you're busy dying" (Thank you Bob Dylan and It's Kind of a Funny Story).

My goal this summer is to:

1) Stay active.
I used to play sports in school and was able to be sprinting and playing on the field for half an hour straight, no breaks, no water.  Now THAT's fit.  Having a healthy body means that I can sit for more hours at work without getting fidgety.  It also means that I'll have more energy to get through three hour lectures at university in the fall.

2) Eat right.
Okay, so the occasional cheeseburger from McDonald's and ice cream sandwich with friends will be my exception (a girl's gotta indulge sometimes, right?  We only have one life to eat all these things).  But eating right also means taking the time to make a legitimate meal in the morning instead of microwaving a PizzaPop.  That also means (sigh) no more midnight snack fests.

3) Sleep well.
I'm a night owl.  I like to go to bed at 3AM and wake up at 11AM.  As much fun as it is to sit up late and chat with all my friends, sleeping well can help increase energy levels during the day (so that I don't have to be a caffeine addict all the time) and lower blood pressure (which I'm pretty sure is quite high for me, all things considered).  So bedtime at 1AM, wake up at 8:30AM?  Sounds reasonable.

4) Work hard.
Just because it's summer doesn't mean that I should fall into a summer coma and wake up in September feeling like I did nothing.  This summer, I want to work hard on my films, I want to excel at my jobs, I want to finally work on the not-for-profit projects I've had in mind for the past while.  I also want to get a head start on my courses next year (can you tell I'm nervous?).  Technically, these are things I enjoy doing (except for reviewing for statistics in business management) so is it really "working hard"?  More like being productive.

5) LIVE.
It's a broad concept but I feel it most important.  This year, I started living my life (meaning being more social, going out more instead of making excuses to be alone) and even though my school work wasn't top notch like it used to be, I enjoyed this year more than the others.  Why?  Because when I'm laying in my death bed, I probably won't be upset about failing the calculus exam but I would be there thinking about the great memories, people, and experiences of my lifetime.  So this summer, I'm not make any more excuses to hide away.  I'm going to put 100% into life because it's worth it, I swear.

So I guess that's my plan for this summer (mind you, this was my first legitimate week off from school and just got back from a nice jog so my endorphins are kind of going crazy but I think it'll stick).

Happy Summer!

Shelter

Feels like it's raining in my heart.  Bittersweet is tattooed.

Don't Forget Me (Tumbling Tears)

I think about every night we stayed up laughing

Whispering soft so our mama's don't hear

Cause we're the group of kids who likes to break every single rule

And I think back to every time we yelled out
Jumping up and down, we couldn't help ourselves
Cause our happiness spilled over the top, so blessed for all we've got

But in a few months you'll find someone new
To make these memories with you
And all I can say through these tumbling tears
Is don't forget me when we're out of here

I think about all those long walks in the mall
Planning for that day when we could buy them all
Yeah we swore we'd meet up in our big ol' yachts

I think about that first time you saw me cry
You held me in your arms until everything felt right
And I know if it wasn't for you i wouldn't be alive

But in a few months you'll find someone new

To make these memories with you

And all I can say through these tumbling tears

Is don't forget me when we're out of here

In a few months we'll be living somewhere new

And I won't be standing there with you

Yeah all I can think through these tumbling tears

Is how to move on without you here

But in a few months you'll find someone new

To make these memories with you

And all I can say through these tumbling tears

Is don't forget me when we're out of here

Don't forget me (I don't wanna say goodbye)

Don't forget me (I don't wanna say goodbye)

Don't forget me

Cause all I can say through these tumbling tears

Is don't forget me when we're out of here

--------

So I finished my last high school exam today.  Bittersweet.  Wrote a million songs while I was supposed to be studying.  This was one of them, dedicated to all my beautiful friends.

Can't wait to start making videos again.  Hello summer.

A letter for him…

Sometimes it’s just nice to get things off your chest…
Dear ___________,
It’s been a year since that day we stood in the halls and I told you how I was feeling. I hope you know that I don’t do that often. In fact, I don’t do that, ever. But I really thought we could’ve been something because I knew you were different from everyone else.
The truth about that day was I didn’t really tell you everything that was circling in my head. I didn’t tell you that you were, are, great, and smart, and funny, and the only person I would sacrifice anything for. And when you told me you didn’t want to get in the way of all the other things I was doing, I said “okay” when really, I wanted to say “I’d rather have you”. And when you walked away, I pretended like I was all cool, like whatever we were was just a story book. No real connection to me when the pages finished. But really, I’ve spent the past year with you in the back of my mind. To be honest, I’m not sure why it lasted so long, but it’s the truth.
Well, here’s the story of how I fell for you. It’s silly telling you, but sometimes I wish that you would tell me too how you fell for me; if you did ever fall for me. (You know, there are nights I lay there and wonder if you really did feel the same way or if it was only me. I wonder if you felt those moments too and if you were just a little upset after our chat in the hallway last year.) In any case, I think it started that day we were at _________’s house watching 500 Days of Summer. We were on her bed together and I put my head on your shoulder. I felt like I belonged there and I wanted you there next to me. Then we went to your house and sat in your room. That’s a weird one, but I just felt a lot closer to you. Learning about you.
But the deal breaker was at your seventeenth birthday party. It kills me every time I think about it and it drives me insane trying to think whether you felt it too. If maybe you wanted what I wanted. But when I had to leave, you waited with me by the door and we just stood there in our corner flirting like we always did. But you almost kissed me. I felt it (or at least I think I felt it from you). Being in that corner, I wanted to be careless and I sometimes wish I did, with no regard for the consequences, just kissed you. After that night, I realized how much you meant to me.
We became such great friends but I guess I had to go and ruin it by saying how I felt. Would we have ended differently if I never said those things? Would we still be close now? I’m not sure, but I also know that I don’t have to wonder if we could’ve ended up together if only I had just spoken up.
Do you know that you’re the only one who can make me feel better? The day of the school show, you don’t know this, but I had probably one of the worst mornings. I was upset and stormed into the library hoping to be semi-productive and distracted. Then I saw you. And I talked with you. And I felt better. At that time, I was with somebody else and I realized that I still wanted you. It’s always been you.
And recently I’ve been seeing you more, but to be honest, it doesn’t feel like it used to. And I think you can agree. In any case, every hug, every time you put your arms around me, every laugh, reminds me of what we used to have and I miss it. I really do. I miss you.
I’ve heard that you’re with someone new now. I bet you’re happy and I bet she’s everything you didn’t see in me. I’m glad you’re happy. I wish nothing but everything good in life for you because you’re that amazing. I hope she knows that about you.
Eventually, I’ll move on too. I guess I kept holding onto the chance that maybe you’d be mine, even if it was only for one night. I keep the coral reef you gave me close by and every sad song brings me back to that hug in the hallway. That was when we changed and I want to go back to when that coral reef was given. When we were close.
Next year you’ll be gone and so will I. Maybe that’ll be easier for me to move on, when I don’t see you around. Where you can’t sneak up behind me for hugs. Maybe then I will find someone new.
So I guess I’ll end off by thanking you for teaching me love. Not the kind we think we all know about high school crushes and school yard heartbreaks. But how to genuinely care for someone. You’ll always be the bigger one in this relationship. I’ll always love you.
-T

Fending for Myself

I'm trying to move out.  I'm saving up and learning to be independent.

This is me cooking my own lunch.

Falling

She probably wouldn't fall so often and so easily if she didn't wear such nice heels.

To me, being a teen means being free, wild, relentless, and above all else, an innocence that sprouts from not knowing any better.

Graduating will be really bitter sweet.

--

Side note: on replay...

Disarm

She doesn't buy expensive things so that she's not disappointed when they're lost or stolen or ruined.
She doesn't let anybody close enough to love so that she'll never feel hurt when they leave.
It's a strategy but it's not the best out there.
Because now those walls are being broken and she doesn't know how to deal with it.
Yet, there's a first for everything, isn't there?

Oh if only life were a movie.

Remedy

What can make a girl feel better when studying for an AP economics exam?  The fact that Brad Paisley pulled a "that's what she said joke" on Twitter.  I wish I had the funds to go to his concert...

Small beauties

Today was such a beautiful day.  And to think that I woke up feeling down.  Reminds me of the nice skies in Florida.

FLORIDA, I love you.

Seven days in Florida.  Paradise.  Just the vacation I needed.

More coming soon!

Daddy's Girl

I wish I had a better relationship with my dad.  It's not that he's a bad father, or that he's never around.  It's the language thing.  I'm too western and he's too traditional.  That's all.

If it wasn't for the language thing, I think we'd be really close.  Our personalities are very similar.  We'd get along just fine.

And today when my mom and sister were fighting with me, he defended me.

This will always be remembered.

According to Greta

Watched it.  Loved it.  How is it possible to relate so much to a movie?

Making Plans

I’ve been dealing with this for almost seven years.  And she says, “what about all those plans we made, you can’t leave me now”.

That’s the only thing that kept me here today.

It’s been a bumpy ride.

Real Girl’s Kitchen 2

I’ve tried another one of Haylie’s recipes yesterday: avocado salad (her version pictured above).  I’m kind of on a health trend right now, so I thought it’d be great to try this out.

I didn’t have cherry tomatoes so I subbed in regular tomatoes but I think it all works the same.  Mine didn’t turn out like hers (yet again) but I think it was alright (my version pictured below).  It tasted pretty good, my mom liked it too.

Would I make it again?  Sure, why not.  I want to taste the real version from a restaurant though.  Then I’d have something to compare it to.

I also had a pretty good meal with it last night too.  In all, the meal kept me full for almost six hours (that’s a lot considering I’m an athlete and nerd which uses up a lot of energy).  Good stuff.

I also made a pretty good peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch yesterday (craving caused by Allstar Weekend), but that’s not fancy enough to blog about.

(Real Girl's Kitchen blog post 1, click here)

Riding the bus

I used to have a teacher who saved my life.  When I was experiencing the darkest of my days a few years ago, she talked me through and wouldn’t let me follow through with the plans I had in my head.  Most importantly, she kept my secrets exactly how they should be: secret.  Even though she was, by law, supposed to report me for “my safety” as the policy states, she didn’t.

Today as I was on the bus home, I was thinking of an excuse to tell my mom of why I skipped Ultimate Frisbee practise after school.  I couldn’t tell her that I hurt my ankle, I’m not in the mood for lectures.  And as I was thinking of an excuse that would get me into the least amount of trouble, I realized that I’ve been making excuses a lot lately and lying a lot and keeping my mouth completely shut about everything.

And I thought about that teacher who saved my life.  She told me that sometimes we take on a lot and life gives us a lot to handle.  Almost like we’re extending our arm and holding a cup of water in front of us.  And sometimes, even that little glass of water gets too heavy.  Even though we don’t want to put it down, we need to put down the glass, take a break and then pick it back up again.

I think I’ve been holding that glass for too long; trying to be everything to everyone and yeah, I’m tired.

So today I put down the glass.  Didn’t go to practice.  Didn’t go to work.  Didn’t stay after school for any clubs.  Didn’t go out to volunteer.  I went home, sat down and just paced myself to catch up on video editing and math.

Yes, I put down the glass for a little and hopefully, I’ll be able to hold it all up once again.

Social Interactions

In our day and age, social interaction has increased exponentially.  First we had the telegram to message people distances away, then the phone to talk to them...and then BOOM!  Facebook, Twitter, Skype, MSN, Youtube, Blogger.  Connecting with people is fast, easy, and constantly happening.  But the quality of these relationships have suffered.

I've spent the past few days locked away in my room trying to salvage my grades in school.  Sure I've talked to be people online, but talking to them through technology and talking to people face to face are actually have a world of difference.

So I guess twenty-first century technology can't really beat the good ol' traditional brunch chat.

But I still love technology.  I've received some really nice comments on Blogger (thanks Sam!) and Youtube.

Times are changing.

"Oh these times are hard, yeah they're making us crazy, don't give up on me baby" - The Script, For the First Time

First loves and secret corners

I'm seventeen and I don't know if any of this is real.  If these are forever truths or temporary thoughts.  Either way, this is my truth for this moment in time as I attempt to capture my life in words.

There's an awesome boy waiting for me.  And I can't do it.  I can't be in a relationship.  Either I'm not a relationship type of person, or it's bad timing.  Even though it's been almost a year since my last peril with love, I can't move on.  Why can't I?  I'd like to know the answer too.

Well, he is the first person who could make me smile when I'm down and stressed and mad.  The only one who could make me feel better even when I'm clearly not.  He is the first person that I could actually imagine having a relationship with.  Not one of those immature high school dates, not something I've imagined and fantasized about in my head, but a serious relationship, a first love.  And he is the first person to know me better than I even know myself and to put me before his own wants.  It's hard to think that in a few months, he'll be gone and so will I.  And who knows if we'll still have each other.  We barely speak now.  I'm seventeen and I'll get over it in time, I'm pretty sure I am over it now, just nostalgic at the moment.

Cause today, I couldn't stop thinking about him.  I don't know why, but he just kept popping up in my mind.  Wouldn't it be nice to go back in time and stay forever the way the two of us used to be?

Of all the times we've shared together, it was that moment in the corner of his doorway, about to say goodbye.  It was something I've never felt before and it still keeps me up some nights wondering if he felt the same way.  If maybe that night really could have been the start of something if I wasn't so scared of love when it happened.  But I guess knowing and not knowing doesn't matter now cause it's over.

And through this whole story, there is hope.  There has to be.  That one day somebody just as amazing will come along.  And when that happens, I won't be a teenager scared of love.  And I would be able to make time for him.  And most importantly, I won't be thinking of past loves.

But for tonight, if I had a time machine, I would take me back to that corner.  Just to feel him one more time like that. Just once more.

A Cold April

The world's turning out to be so cold
We're only doing exactly what we're told
No regard for one another
Survival of the fittest, who cares who we throw under
Saying what we want
Doing what we feel
Put yourself first, you're the only thing that's real
The relationships we build, the experiences we find
Doesn't matter when we're all crunched for time
Who cares who you help or trip and push down
They only see the numbers, not everything around
And the snow is melting and the sun's coming out
But we're still getting colder here
And we don't even care
When our minds are exploding
Our hearts start imploding
What's going on?  What changed our minds?
Nobody ever stops to really see
If we all stopped this, we could all just be
But apologies are useless when you can't turn back time
Just grabbing things up and claiming MINE MINE
No ctrl plus z
It's not that easy
Oh it gets so cold
When we just do what we're told.

Love, life, and other complicated things

There are only three explanations:
1) I'm a slut.
2) I'm a teenager who will fall for anybody who's remotely nice to her.
3) I'm not actually falling, I only think, or want to think, that I am.

There are three boys:
1) The best friend who things never worked out with.  (Can I even still call him my best friend)
2) The friend who can keep me up late at night talking. (But is he moving towards being a best friend?)
3) The new friend who's perfect, like he stepped out of a movie or something.

The crazy thing about teenage love lives is that there is always that uncertainty of wasting time and emotions on something marked so temporary.

And in my darkest hours this week, the best friend was the only one to make me smile.  The friend was the only one who made me get up and do something.  And the new friend still lingered in the awkward intro phase but I wanted things to be better.

If only life was more simple, like choosing an apple or banana for a snack or deciding to take a walk.

Or maybe I'm just not a relationship type of person.  I'd hope not, I'd hope that this is only because none of them are the One.  But perhaps I'm really that girl who's too independent to settle down and having too much fun being everything to everyone.

Or maybe it's the stress and exhaustion getting to my head.

Maybe.  Oh life is full of maybes.

-Tee

Getting Out of Bed

It's important to have something in your life to look forward to.  Something that you would rather do instead of sleeping in bed all day.

That's why they say to find a career you love.  They say to diversify your activities.  People are more productive when they're doing something they want to (or at least feel some sort of benefit from doing).

I haven't had anything motivating me lately and self-motivation doesn't always work when you're trying to wake up after a 4-hour sleep and go to school.  Even though I hate it, I've been late to pretty much everywhere I've gone in the past few weeks.

But today I wasn't late.

Orlando, here I come. =)

-Tee

Random Vegetable...

I am currently sitting here eating some sort of potato/yam-like vegetable and drinking a tall glass of milk.  What a way to start the weekend.

But it's nice to be able to sit down and eat something that won't kill me.  I've been eating so much processed foods lately, even I'm starting to feel myself get sluggish.

And it's nice to know I'm doing something right for a change because honestly, this week has been such a mind-twister.  I'm probably going crazy without realizing.  Or there's just too much in too little time.

Either way, I'm glad to be eating this strange vegetable.

-Tee

This is...#3

This is a pile of dishes that need to be taken to clean.  It's just days worth of snacking piled up onto each other.  No particular order.  Nothing left in any of the bowls or cups.  Just carriers waiting to be used once more.  They're the physical remains of the nights spent in isolation slaving over math, studying finance, and surfing the net.  The glass glistens in the fluorescent lights and in the dark blue, a faint reflection of a girl, sitting at her desk, blogging.  Somehow at the end of a really tough day, it's always the dishes that get left behind.  After revolutions and centuries buried deep under the ground, it's the dishes that remain.  They tell the future how things used to be and hold nothing more truthful than the air.

Isolation.

Last night when I was crying, I was talking to an incredible guy who was able to make me smile, just because he always makes me smile.

And if there was ever any doubt about whether I liked him in that way or if I even wanted anything to happen, it all went away. Nobody's ever been so nice to me. Nobody's ever even cared. And even though I'm probably a mess at relationships, I wanted to try. Take a risk. Do something I'm not supposed to for once.

But today I realized that no matter how good he is for me, how much he makes me smile, and how much I want to be with him, I can't. I don't deserve him. I don't deserve anyone. Isolation is my sanctuary.

Alone, nobody can hurt me or see who I really am. I'm too complicated for that. I have too many scars and battle wounds. He doesn't need to deal with that. Nobody should.

None of my friends know. None of my family knows. He doesn't need to either. Because he's too good to be weighed down by me and my problems. He's ready to fly and I lost my wings a long time ago.

It's just easier to remain a complete act. I'm an actress at heart, right?

--Tee

My life is an episode on E!

My guilty pleasure show to watch every weekend, back to back episodes is "The Spin Crowd". It's about these two guys who own a PR firm in L.A. and they go about their crazy and dramatic lives (as all reality tv stars do on E!). And for some strange reason, I'm sitting here on a Friday night crying and relating to this show.

In one of the episodes, Simon gives Jonathan an ultimatum. Either give him 50% ownership (since he does most of the work anyways) or Simon will leave the firm for good. Jonathan held off and Simon left. Halfway down the street though, Jonathan stops Simon and gives him 50%. Why? Because he deserved it. Everyone knew it.

I had sports tryouts today. And even though I should be happy because frisbee is my second family, I'm not. I'm crying.

Because for the past three years, I've dedicated myself to frisbee. I expended time and money. I gave up time with my friends and family, got into fights with my family over joining, I sacrificed my marks, my sleep, and had to change my work schedule to fit frisbee. Why did I do it? Because I've never felt so passionate about any other sport. I love it.

But this year, even though I've improved, I've stayed dedicated, and I do my best to be a team player and a leader in the sport, nothing paid off. I didn't get captain, but someone else, who's given less and played for fewer years got it.

I didn't get the 50% like Simon. I got condescending looks and stab in the back.

(My rationale? The coach wants to get in her pants.)

If Simon put in all that work and got nothing in return, he would've left. He would've realized that there was no opportunity there and go off elsewhere where he could really grow and advance.

And maybe I should be doing the same too. And it hurts because I don't want to. But sometimes what we have to do and what we want to do are two different paths.

I don't want to be a sore loser and have bad sportsmanship, and to be honest, I'll get over it someday. But for right now, I'm completely torn and I can't help it. So be it if I'm a bad person. So be it if I'll be hated and looked down upon. Even Michael Phelps would be upset if he lost a race. Sometimes, people get upset.

Simon gave his ultimatum. Is this mine?

-Tee

This is not a breakup.

Three and a half more months and hopefully all this will be over. I can't stand these dumb mind games that he's trying to play with me. I'm ready to stop all this high-school drama. Here comes the rant:

This is not a break up. It cannot be a break up for there was never a relationship. So stop acting like it is.

I don't like you.

In fact, you're starting to annoy me by trying to make me feel guilty, or pointing out all the things that I do, or following me around, or bashing the boys that I like.

If I ever thought there was a possibility of us being friends like we used to be, I guess it's over. Things would've been better if you just stopped.

So move on because I obviously can't stand you anymore.

Sorry, but the truth hurts buddy.

A friend told me to never fall for someone deeply until after your first kiss. She is smart.

-Tee

A lesson in honesty.

Dear 30-year-old me, I hope you laugh if you ever see this again.

Today I learned an important lesson in honesty. And even when the truth hurts or is awkward or is harder to do, honesty really is the best policy.

I seem to be a master of indecisiveness and taking the easiest route around situations like the one I'm going through now. What I've learned after this whole ordeal is that I'm not a girl of relationships. I've never really been in one and to be honest, can't really see myself in one. Sure I know what "relationships" are supposed to be like, I've got years of tv, movies, books, and magazines to back me up. But when I get close to one, it's a blind maze.

So what is this "situation" that's taught me the oh-so importance of honesty?

Well, there's this guy who used to be my friend, and then he started liking me and being weird. And though I'm flattered and I know exactly how he feels (since I kind of fell in love with one of my best friends last year), I still feel pretty weirded out by the things he does to try and show me his feelings. Now I can't even look at him like a friend and it sucks to burn bridges like that. I think I've been too indirect about the whole situation, trying to be "nice" and not hurt his feelings. But the bottom line is, I've led him on. And that was the worst thing I could do. So tonight, I laid it all out. Honest is the best policy right? And the truth is, even though it was awkward and hard to say what I did, I think it was for the best. Because after everything, I think he deserves at least honesty and a reason for why all this went down the way it did.

If there's one thing I'll know next time, being honest when the opportunity comes is not a bad thing and is not mean. Because dragging it on only makes it worse.

I don't like being the one saying no, I don't like to be the one to let the other down. I know what it feels like to be turned away. It sucks, and it scars, and it leaves a lineup of "what ifs" in my head. But I guess it has to happen. Sometimes, we need these moments in our lives to show us what we really need, or really want, or really deserve.

-Tee

Time Lag

It's such a strange feeling being in senior year.

On one hand, life is just about to get started and you're optimistic. You're thinking, wow, I can really make a difference and really change things in this world. You dream about going out into the world and finally starting your own life.

And on the other hand, you're stuck here doing pages and pages and pages of impossible calculus that you will never ever need to use for the rest of your life.

Flying is hard when they tie down your wings.

-Tee

Painting the Walls

Spring is coming and that means its time to be more optimistic and start new. I finally played around with the Blogger templates (during my study break) and I quite like this new layout. It's bright (but not overly bright) and trendy. I'm going to like this new room on the ever so gigantic internet.

Just like how I love my walls in my actual bedroom. Decorating and design is fun. I love my room so much (especially after adding shelves and putting up my cork/white board) that I don't want to move out! Not even for the ever so attractive university dormitory lifestyle.

Alright, back to studying. It has to be a good semester.

-Tee

Real Girl's Kitchen

Haylie Duff has a blog where she posts recipes of things she made. It's pretty neat. Some of the things on there are a little far fetched for me to even consider making, but I do want to find time to try some of the recipes.

Yesterday, I tried the "Pretty in Pink and Vegan" smoothie (Haylie's photo featured above). Thank you Magic Bullet for making my life a lot easier! Overall, it was pretty good, I had to take down the recipe a little (because it doesn't all fit into the Magic Bullet cup) but nevertheless, it was a nice and simple recipe that I used again today. Three servings of fruit! Aw yeah!

Below are a few pictures of MY smoothie. Doesn't look as good, but oh well...I never claimed to be a kitchen goddess and I never will.

-Tee.

Rhythm of Love

I'm listening to "Rhythm of Love" by the Plain White T's and it's making me happy because I letting myself fall once again. And even though I know it will never last, it's nice to be a teenager once in a while and let myself be stupid.

-Tee.

Dear Japan, we're here for you.

8.9 earthquake in Japan today. As I was standing listening to the national anthem this morning, I couldn't help but think about what if it were me in that situation. What if there was an earthquake. What would I do? How would I react? It was really hard to grasp the fact that in that situation, I would lose a lot of things that mean a lot to me. Would my family be okay? Would my memories be washed away? I wouldn't have a normal day anymore. School, work, pursuing my passions, all gone.

I set a new goal for myself to be more giving. To try and put others first. And I want to help out. But I'm not too sure how. But I'm definitely going to try and get another volunteer job this summer, maybe packing supplies with the Red Cross, or even just helping out locally.

Cause the thing that really moved me the most today standing there during the national anthem was the fact that I've been given so much in my life. And even through the tough times, and times when I wanted things to end, I've been very fortunate. It's a shame that I'm only truly seeing this now, but I have been given so much and now it's time to pass it on.

I don't want to save the world and fix every problem. I just want to make this crazy journey through life a little easier for someone else.

--Tee

White Flag

Finally, another video up on Youtube. Hopefully I'll be able to make more artistic ones over March Break. EXCITED to be out of school! Two days left.

-Tee

Completely unproductive.

Well, this weekend was the most unproductive two days I have ever had. Whoops.

I just can't bring myself to enjoy math. I really can't.

So much math!

So this semester, I have Finance, Data Management, and Calculus. Let me just say that it is no fun. There's no class discussion, all the homework's the same (and takes up a lot longer than I would like it to), and to be honest, I'm not getting extraordinary marks. Thank goodness I'm involved in stuff outside of school. Otherwise, I'd go CRAZY.

-Tee

Meeting Dorothy

So today I ventured down (and got lost on my way) to meet with Dorothy Engelman.

Let me start by saying how great it was. I've never imagined to be in that office and see what I did. It's like looking into a different place. The walls are coloured, it's an open concept office, there's technology and people wearing whatever they want to. The office was relaxed and bright and I thought to myself, wow, if I could work in a place like this! More offices should adapt this.

I has a chance to sit down with her and have a chat. She is SO nice. The way she carried herself was so confident and sure and positive. Even though she was super busy and I was probably in the way of everything in the office, she was still kind and made time to ensure that I was okay. A great leader? That'd be an understatement. She's also has great social skills and is just a great business person (even though she hasn't taken any business courses).

She also inspired me to be a better person. Watching her work, I saw that determination and focus. She knows how to keep on track with work while keeping a positive attitude. Talking to her made me want to be a better person and carry myself in the way she did. She also inspired me to continue with the arts and really motivated me to follow these goals that I have.

It's hard to describe it but on my way home, I felt changed. She didn't have to invite me to go meet her. And she didn't have to take time out of her busy schedule. And she didn't have to be nice to be. But she was. And that's what I admire about her. That's what I want to do from hereon in. I don't have to, but it's still nice to do so.

She offered me a summer internship with the business. I really can't believe it. This is like a dream.

I never imagined my day to go so well. Meeting Dorothy completely makes up for the fact that I completely failed my calculus test today.

-Tee

Woah.

Well hello America.

For the first time EVER, this blog has gotten more views from the USA than from Canada. WOAH. Mind blown. =) No country has ever exceeded Canada.

p.s. If you're reading this, please comment and let me know 1) Your country, 2) How you found this. I really want to know how I got 40 views this week from the US, Canada, Japan, Russia, United Arab Emirates, United Kingdom, Italy, and Slovenia. Oh, and thanks for stopping by. You make me smile.

Shut Up

It's time for me to start making my own mistakes.

"There you go
You're always so right
It's all a big show
It's all about you

You think you know
What everyone needs
You always take time
To criticize me

It seems like everyday
I make mistakes
I just can't get it right

It's like I'm the one
You love to hate
But not today

So shut up, shut up, shut up
Don't wanna hear it
Get out, get out, get out
Get out of my way
Step up, step up, step up
You'll never stop me
Nothing you say today
Is gonna bring me down

There you go
You never ask why
It's all a big lie
Whatever you do

You think you're special
But I know, and I know
And I know, and we know
That you're not

You're always there to point
Out my mistakes
And shove them in my face

It's like I'm the one
You love to hate
But not today

So shut up, shut up, shut up
Don't wanna hear it
Get out, get out, get out
Get out of my way
Step up, step up, step up
You'll never stop me
Nothing you say today
Is gonna bring me down
Is gonna bring me down

Will never bring me down

Don't tell me who I should be
And don't try to tell me what's right for me
Don't tell me what I should do
I don't wanna waste my time
I'll watch you fade away

So shut up, shut up, shut up
Don't wanna hear it
Get out, get out, get out
Get out of my way
Step up, step up, step up
You'll never stop me
Nothing you say today
Is gonna bring me down

Shut up, shut up, shut up
Don't wanna hear it
Get out, get out, get out
Get out of my way
Step up, step up, step up
You'll never stop me
Nothing you say today
Is gonna bring me down

Bring me down
{shut up, shut up, shut up}
Won't bring me down
{shut up, shut up, shut up}
Bring me down
{shut up, shut up, shut up}
Won't bring me down

Shut up, shut up, shut up"

--Simple Plan

Planet's Aligned?

There's something going on this year, and I'm not sure what. But what ever it is...I really like it. My teacher actually told me today that this is turning out to be a great year for me. I really do agree. Even though there were times when things got rough, and times when things got really rough, I still can't help but smile. Because at the end of it all, there will always be good and bad times, but living in this moment right here, right now, it's pretty much amazing.

Here's what's been happening:

I was 8th place at DECA Provincials this year. Who would've guessed? AND I got 100% on one of my case studies. Unheard of. My whole goal was to NOT make a fool out of myself this year like I did last year and I guess I did more than not make a fool out of myself.

I don't know if I got smarter or the competition got easier. Either way, I'm happy because a one-week trip to Orlando, Florida sounds AMAZING.

On the downside of that, a one-week trip means one week away from school. If I don't want to pay for tuition next year, I need at least a 90% in calculus. This is going to be tough. And what about ultimate frisbee? I want to join, that's my second family, but can I sacrifice school for it? But even if I had all the time in the world, would I still get a good mark in calculus? Ugh, that's what's been keeping me up every night.

On the plus side, I got accepted to my second choice university (which would be my first if I didn't visit the other campus) with a $5000 scholarship off the bat, plus any entrance/other scholarships I can get. Mind blown.

Work has been pretty cool, I've done a lot more book keeping stuff which is nice. I'm excited to actually become a C.A. It's also nice to go from thinking while doing bookkeeping back to mindless typing at the front desk.

I'm finally getting to meet Dorothy Engelman too. We scheduled a meeting for January but her work got in the way and she just recently emailed me to reschedule. I thought she would've forgotten or that it wasn't a huge priority. This just shows how great she is. Really. I'm so excited. It's not everyday that you get to meet one of your role models.

=)

-Tee

5 Second Blogging

Ugh, no time and no energy. Let's just say things are going SUPER well. =)

January Updates

For my business management class, we had to make a documentary about a leader and I chose one of my role models, Dorothy Engelman. This video took way longer than it should have but what do you expect when you give a film nerd an excuse to work on a video until four in the morning?

Plus, she's so kind and has invited me to go meet her! Eek! I'm excited beyond words!!!

I've been pretty swamped with university applications, and school (grr, exams coming up!), and work, and volunteering, and extra-curriculars, and keeping my sanity but I'll be back to normal soon. Promise. That means I'll keep updating this blog, updating my Youtube, updating my Dailybooth. =) I like the internet.

Plus, I'm working on another video for the Institute of Chartered Accountants of Ontario so stayed tuned. I'm really excited about it! I spent a full day filming at their offices (which pretty much tried me out) but it was so worth it. I also got to meet one of my Youtube subscribers at that event...that was SO cool! And none of that would be possible if it wasn't for everyone who supported my Ruling the World 101 video. Thanks again for helping me win the Rule the Tube Contest! They gave me an awesome plaque for it! Thank you ICAO!

AWARD PHOTO!

As tough as life gets, I'm really grateful for what's happened to me so far...senior year will ALWAYS be remembered. I'm so excited to see what the future holds, but first, exam studying!

xox - Tee

p.s. Wow, I'm in a really good mood for some reason...