In high school, I had my eyes set on two people: the nerdy boy who surprised me with how much I ended up liking him, and the cool boy who wiggled his way into my life and stayed. I fell for these boys and they didn't fall for me too. But I think I've written enough about those boys.
What I failed to see was the other boys who did fall.
The boy who watched me in class for four years. I remember chatting with him every night on instant messenger. He was the first one to message me when I signed on, the last one to say goodnight. If I was bored and wanted someone to chat, he always responded. He remembered details about me that I never expected anyone would. I told him once that I loved the night sky. It made me feel calm, at peace, like everything was bigger than me...an unfathomable thing that was so much bigger than we were. For my birthday, he painted me the night sky so that I'd always have it. I didn't appreciate it back then, and I really wish I had.
The other boy came from nowhere. One day we're friends, the next we're flirting and going for ice cream. The other day as I was cleaning out my drawers, I found a note he wrote me, scribbled on a piece of post-it note. "You're stressed so we'll get desserts..." It was sweet at the time and even sweeter now after all this time. He saw me when I was broken but I was never able to open up and let him in. I left him without an explanation, just left.
Which brings me to wonder why I was never able to fall for those boys back? Why was I so preoccupied by other boys who didn't feel the same when there were these two gentleman waiting for me?
And now I'm sitting alone wondering if I'll ever fall in love. I miss the opportunities and chase the closed doors.
I've spent countless time and energy making myself the best version of myself: to give someone all that I have. I eat right and exercise because I want to always be able to do the things that my significant other wants to do. I make an effort in how I look and dress because I want to be the girl that he'll be proud to present to the world as his. I study hard and am building my career so give our relationship a good foundation. And everyone likes a smart girl, right? I skill myself in more things than my job and work on being a better person. I want to make someone happy.
So where is this person who's right for me? He's alive right now, at this very second, breathing. Is he looking for me too?
