It's nice to know that maybe, a little piece of him wants me too and I'm not imagining the "us" alone. It's nice to know that I can finally be myself with him yet still get butterflies. It's nice to feel like we've always been better off as friends. It's nice to fall asleep with a smile on my face again. Sometimes a bad day can have a happy ending.-----------------------------------------Last night I had a dream where everyone told me he came back. I saw him down the hall and for the first time in a long time, I saw his face. I can't see it anymore now, but I know I saw his face. I run into his arms and into his warm embrace. Thank you. And he tells me he's proud that I haven't given up and I'm about to tell him I did when he keeps talking to tell me how happy he is to see me. I woke up breathless. I saw him. I felt him. I smelt him. I heard him. Today, I fell in love with life again. I want this now more than I did. I don't know how I'll get there, but I'm going. I'm going..tee.
My best friend told me to write it down: all these thoughts and feelings in my head. And I will. Pardon the rambling.It started with a blast from the past, a reminder of the feelings I used to have.I can't remember his face or his voice, but I remember the feeling. Belonging? Happiness? Purpose?I don't really understand how it all came to be, it just clicked.I never got closure, never got to say goodbye. But maybe it's my own fault for thinking that things last forever, and if they don't they'll just fade, not like this.A constant cloud hanging.I know I need to let it go. I know I need to be with just myself right now. I need to forget about him and him and him. How else can I be with him or him or him if I can't be with myself? But what if I can't be me without him?I've always been the lost girl. And he found me. He made me laugh enough to forget that I'm lost. He turned me west and told me to walk and I did. And I liked it.It's just the same story over and over. Was it never meant to be or was it something I did or said?Or maybe I'm just remembering all of this wrong.Maybe I was blinded, too willing to fall in love.And maybe that's my problem right there.But if I never try, I'll never know.Somehow, moving forward seems a lot harder than I thought it'd be. Maybe because I'm doing it all wrong.It's even harder when everything reminds me of the past. Colours, numbers, scents, places, events. It also doesn't help that I look for his face in a crowded room, on a crowded street, waiting to revisit those emotions.Like somehow, I want life to begin so badly and I just can't right now. But with him, it felt like I was beginning. I know I have all the time in the world right now, but it doesn't feel like it. I feel like I'm running out of those precious minutes and if only I could talk to him one last time, it would make everything worth it, like I'm not wasting time anymore.I never realized how sad I was until this happened. All those years bottled up is coming back up again. Maybe all I need is a good cry, get it out of my system. Let it all out and there, in a pile on my bed, will lie the body of a girl who has emptied herself out.Does time heal all wounds?.tee.
