A letter for him…

Sometimes it’s just nice to get things off your chest…
Dear ___________,
It’s been a year since that day we stood in the halls and I told you how I was feeling. I hope you know that I don’t do that often. In fact, I don’t do that, ever. But I really thought we could’ve been something because I knew you were different from everyone else.
The truth about that day was I didn’t really tell you everything that was circling in my head. I didn’t tell you that you were, are, great, and smart, and funny, and the only person I would sacrifice anything for. And when you told me you didn’t want to get in the way of all the other things I was doing, I said “okay” when really, I wanted to say “I’d rather have you”. And when you walked away, I pretended like I was all cool, like whatever we were was just a story book. No real connection to me when the pages finished. But really, I’ve spent the past year with you in the back of my mind. To be honest, I’m not sure why it lasted so long, but it’s the truth.
Well, here’s the story of how I fell for you. It’s silly telling you, but sometimes I wish that you would tell me too how you fell for me; if you did ever fall for me. (You know, there are nights I lay there and wonder if you really did feel the same way or if it was only me. I wonder if you felt those moments too and if you were just a little upset after our chat in the hallway last year.) In any case, I think it started that day we were at _________’s house watching 500 Days of Summer. We were on her bed together and I put my head on your shoulder. I felt like I belonged there and I wanted you there next to me. Then we went to your house and sat in your room. That’s a weird one, but I just felt a lot closer to you. Learning about you.
But the deal breaker was at your seventeenth birthday party. It kills me every time I think about it and it drives me insane trying to think whether you felt it too. If maybe you wanted what I wanted. But when I had to leave, you waited with me by the door and we just stood there in our corner flirting like we always did. But you almost kissed me. I felt it (or at least I think I felt it from you). Being in that corner, I wanted to be careless and I sometimes wish I did, with no regard for the consequences, just kissed you. After that night, I realized how much you meant to me.
We became such great friends but I guess I had to go and ruin it by saying how I felt. Would we have ended differently if I never said those things? Would we still be close now? I’m not sure, but I also know that I don’t have to wonder if we could’ve ended up together if only I had just spoken up.
Do you know that you’re the only one who can make me feel better? The day of the school show, you don’t know this, but I had probably one of the worst mornings. I was upset and stormed into the library hoping to be semi-productive and distracted. Then I saw you. And I talked with you. And I felt better. At that time, I was with somebody else and I realized that I still wanted you. It’s always been you.
And recently I’ve been seeing you more, but to be honest, it doesn’t feel like it used to. And I think you can agree. In any case, every hug, every time you put your arms around me, every laugh, reminds me of what we used to have and I miss it. I really do. I miss you.
I’ve heard that you’re with someone new now. I bet you’re happy and I bet she’s everything you didn’t see in me. I’m glad you’re happy. I wish nothing but everything good in life for you because you’re that amazing. I hope she knows that about you.
Eventually, I’ll move on too. I guess I kept holding onto the chance that maybe you’d be mine, even if it was only for one night. I keep the coral reef you gave me close by and every sad song brings me back to that hug in the hallway. That was when we changed and I want to go back to when that coral reef was given. When we were close.
Next year you’ll be gone and so will I. Maybe that’ll be easier for me to move on, when I don’t see you around. Where you can’t sneak up behind me for hugs. Maybe then I will find someone new.
So I guess I’ll end off by thanking you for teaching me love. Not the kind we think we all know about high school crushes and school yard heartbreaks. But how to genuinely care for someone. You’ll always be the bigger one in this relationship. I’ll always love you.
-T