First loves and secret corners

I'm seventeen and I don't know if any of this is real.  If these are forever truths or temporary thoughts.  Either way, this is my truth for this moment in time as I attempt to capture my life in words.

There's an awesome boy waiting for me.  And I can't do it.  I can't be in a relationship.  Either I'm not a relationship type of person, or it's bad timing.  Even though it's been almost a year since my last peril with love, I can't move on.  Why can't I?  I'd like to know the answer too.

Well, he is the first person who could make me smile when I'm down and stressed and mad.  The only one who could make me feel better even when I'm clearly not.  He is the first person that I could actually imagine having a relationship with.  Not one of those immature high school dates, not something I've imagined and fantasized about in my head, but a serious relationship, a first love.  And he is the first person to know me better than I even know myself and to put me before his own wants.  It's hard to think that in a few months, he'll be gone and so will I.  And who knows if we'll still have each other.  We barely speak now.  I'm seventeen and I'll get over it in time, I'm pretty sure I am over it now, just nostalgic at the moment.

Cause today, I couldn't stop thinking about him.  I don't know why, but he just kept popping up in my mind.  Wouldn't it be nice to go back in time and stay forever the way the two of us used to be?

Of all the times we've shared together, it was that moment in the corner of his doorway, about to say goodbye.  It was something I've never felt before and it still keeps me up some nights wondering if he felt the same way.  If maybe that night really could have been the start of something if I wasn't so scared of love when it happened.  But I guess knowing and not knowing doesn't matter now cause it's over.

And through this whole story, there is hope.  There has to be.  That one day somebody just as amazing will come along.  And when that happens, I won't be a teenager scared of love.  And I would be able to make time for him.  And most importantly, I won't be thinking of past loves.

But for tonight, if I had a time machine, I would take me back to that corner.  Just to feel him one more time like that. Just once more.