This is...#3

This is a pile of dishes that need to be taken to clean.  It's just days worth of snacking piled up onto each other.  No particular order.  Nothing left in any of the bowls or cups.  Just carriers waiting to be used once more.  They're the physical remains of the nights spent in isolation slaving over math, studying finance, and surfing the net.  The glass glistens in the fluorescent lights and in the dark blue, a faint reflection of a girl, sitting at her desk, blogging.  Somehow at the end of a really tough day, it's always the dishes that get left behind.  After revolutions and centuries buried deep under the ground, it's the dishes that remain.  They tell the future how things used to be and hold nothing more truthful than the air.

Isolation.

Last night when I was crying, I was talking to an incredible guy who was able to make me smile, just because he always makes me smile.

And if there was ever any doubt about whether I liked him in that way or if I even wanted anything to happen, it all went away. Nobody's ever been so nice to me. Nobody's ever even cared. And even though I'm probably a mess at relationships, I wanted to try. Take a risk. Do something I'm not supposed to for once.

But today I realized that no matter how good he is for me, how much he makes me smile, and how much I want to be with him, I can't. I don't deserve him. I don't deserve anyone. Isolation is my sanctuary.

Alone, nobody can hurt me or see who I really am. I'm too complicated for that. I have too many scars and battle wounds. He doesn't need to deal with that. Nobody should.

None of my friends know. None of my family knows. He doesn't need to either. Because he's too good to be weighed down by me and my problems. He's ready to fly and I lost my wings a long time ago.

It's just easier to remain a complete act. I'm an actress at heart, right?

--Tee

My life is an episode on E!

My guilty pleasure show to watch every weekend, back to back episodes is "The Spin Crowd". It's about these two guys who own a PR firm in L.A. and they go about their crazy and dramatic lives (as all reality tv stars do on E!). And for some strange reason, I'm sitting here on a Friday night crying and relating to this show.

In one of the episodes, Simon gives Jonathan an ultimatum. Either give him 50% ownership (since he does most of the work anyways) or Simon will leave the firm for good. Jonathan held off and Simon left. Halfway down the street though, Jonathan stops Simon and gives him 50%. Why? Because he deserved it. Everyone knew it.

I had sports tryouts today. And even though I should be happy because frisbee is my second family, I'm not. I'm crying.

Because for the past three years, I've dedicated myself to frisbee. I expended time and money. I gave up time with my friends and family, got into fights with my family over joining, I sacrificed my marks, my sleep, and had to change my work schedule to fit frisbee. Why did I do it? Because I've never felt so passionate about any other sport. I love it.

But this year, even though I've improved, I've stayed dedicated, and I do my best to be a team player and a leader in the sport, nothing paid off. I didn't get captain, but someone else, who's given less and played for fewer years got it.

I didn't get the 50% like Simon. I got condescending looks and stab in the back.

(My rationale? The coach wants to get in her pants.)

If Simon put in all that work and got nothing in return, he would've left. He would've realized that there was no opportunity there and go off elsewhere where he could really grow and advance.

And maybe I should be doing the same too. And it hurts because I don't want to. But sometimes what we have to do and what we want to do are two different paths.

I don't want to be a sore loser and have bad sportsmanship, and to be honest, I'll get over it someday. But for right now, I'm completely torn and I can't help it. So be it if I'm a bad person. So be it if I'll be hated and looked down upon. Even Michael Phelps would be upset if he lost a race. Sometimes, people get upset.

Simon gave his ultimatum. Is this mine?

-Tee

This is not a breakup.

Three and a half more months and hopefully all this will be over. I can't stand these dumb mind games that he's trying to play with me. I'm ready to stop all this high-school drama. Here comes the rant:

This is not a break up. It cannot be a break up for there was never a relationship. So stop acting like it is.

I don't like you.

In fact, you're starting to annoy me by trying to make me feel guilty, or pointing out all the things that I do, or following me around, or bashing the boys that I like.

If I ever thought there was a possibility of us being friends like we used to be, I guess it's over. Things would've been better if you just stopped.

So move on because I obviously can't stand you anymore.

Sorry, but the truth hurts buddy.

A friend told me to never fall for someone deeply until after your first kiss. She is smart.

-Tee

A lesson in honesty.

Dear 30-year-old me, I hope you laugh if you ever see this again.

Today I learned an important lesson in honesty. And even when the truth hurts or is awkward or is harder to do, honesty really is the best policy.

I seem to be a master of indecisiveness and taking the easiest route around situations like the one I'm going through now. What I've learned after this whole ordeal is that I'm not a girl of relationships. I've never really been in one and to be honest, can't really see myself in one. Sure I know what "relationships" are supposed to be like, I've got years of tv, movies, books, and magazines to back me up. But when I get close to one, it's a blind maze.

So what is this "situation" that's taught me the oh-so importance of honesty?

Well, there's this guy who used to be my friend, and then he started liking me and being weird. And though I'm flattered and I know exactly how he feels (since I kind of fell in love with one of my best friends last year), I still feel pretty weirded out by the things he does to try and show me his feelings. Now I can't even look at him like a friend and it sucks to burn bridges like that. I think I've been too indirect about the whole situation, trying to be "nice" and not hurt his feelings. But the bottom line is, I've led him on. And that was the worst thing I could do. So tonight, I laid it all out. Honest is the best policy right? And the truth is, even though it was awkward and hard to say what I did, I think it was for the best. Because after everything, I think he deserves at least honesty and a reason for why all this went down the way it did.

If there's one thing I'll know next time, being honest when the opportunity comes is not a bad thing and is not mean. Because dragging it on only makes it worse.

I don't like being the one saying no, I don't like to be the one to let the other down. I know what it feels like to be turned away. It sucks, and it scars, and it leaves a lineup of "what ifs" in my head. But I guess it has to happen. Sometimes, we need these moments in our lives to show us what we really need, or really want, or really deserve.

-Tee

Time Lag

It's such a strange feeling being in senior year.

On one hand, life is just about to get started and you're optimistic. You're thinking, wow, I can really make a difference and really change things in this world. You dream about going out into the world and finally starting your own life.

And on the other hand, you're stuck here doing pages and pages and pages of impossible calculus that you will never ever need to use for the rest of your life.

Flying is hard when they tie down your wings.

-Tee

Painting the Walls

Spring is coming and that means its time to be more optimistic and start new. I finally played around with the Blogger templates (during my study break) and I quite like this new layout. It's bright (but not overly bright) and trendy. I'm going to like this new room on the ever so gigantic internet.

Just like how I love my walls in my actual bedroom. Decorating and design is fun. I love my room so much (especially after adding shelves and putting up my cork/white board) that I don't want to move out! Not even for the ever so attractive university dormitory lifestyle.

Alright, back to studying. It has to be a good semester.

-Tee

Real Girl's Kitchen

Haylie Duff has a blog where she posts recipes of things she made. It's pretty neat. Some of the things on there are a little far fetched for me to even consider making, but I do want to find time to try some of the recipes.

Yesterday, I tried the "Pretty in Pink and Vegan" smoothie (Haylie's photo featured above). Thank you Magic Bullet for making my life a lot easier! Overall, it was pretty good, I had to take down the recipe a little (because it doesn't all fit into the Magic Bullet cup) but nevertheless, it was a nice and simple recipe that I used again today. Three servings of fruit! Aw yeah!

Below are a few pictures of MY smoothie. Doesn't look as good, but oh well...I never claimed to be a kitchen goddess and I never will.

-Tee.

Rhythm of Love

I'm listening to "Rhythm of Love" by the Plain White T's and it's making me happy because I letting myself fall once again. And even though I know it will never last, it's nice to be a teenager once in a while and let myself be stupid.

-Tee.

Dear Japan, we're here for you.

8.9 earthquake in Japan today. As I was standing listening to the national anthem this morning, I couldn't help but think about what if it were me in that situation. What if there was an earthquake. What would I do? How would I react? It was really hard to grasp the fact that in that situation, I would lose a lot of things that mean a lot to me. Would my family be okay? Would my memories be washed away? I wouldn't have a normal day anymore. School, work, pursuing my passions, all gone.

I set a new goal for myself to be more giving. To try and put others first. And I want to help out. But I'm not too sure how. But I'm definitely going to try and get another volunteer job this summer, maybe packing supplies with the Red Cross, or even just helping out locally.

Cause the thing that really moved me the most today standing there during the national anthem was the fact that I've been given so much in my life. And even through the tough times, and times when I wanted things to end, I've been very fortunate. It's a shame that I'm only truly seeing this now, but I have been given so much and now it's time to pass it on.

I don't want to save the world and fix every problem. I just want to make this crazy journey through life a little easier for someone else.

--Tee

White Flag

Finally, another video up on Youtube. Hopefully I'll be able to make more artistic ones over March Break. EXCITED to be out of school! Two days left.

-Tee

Completely unproductive.

Well, this weekend was the most unproductive two days I have ever had. Whoops.

I just can't bring myself to enjoy math. I really can't.

So much math!

So this semester, I have Finance, Data Management, and Calculus. Let me just say that it is no fun. There's no class discussion, all the homework's the same (and takes up a lot longer than I would like it to), and to be honest, I'm not getting extraordinary marks. Thank goodness I'm involved in stuff outside of school. Otherwise, I'd go CRAZY.

-Tee

Meeting Dorothy

So today I ventured down (and got lost on my way) to meet with Dorothy Engelman.

Let me start by saying how great it was. I've never imagined to be in that office and see what I did. It's like looking into a different place. The walls are coloured, it's an open concept office, there's technology and people wearing whatever they want to. The office was relaxed and bright and I thought to myself, wow, if I could work in a place like this! More offices should adapt this.

I has a chance to sit down with her and have a chat. She is SO nice. The way she carried herself was so confident and sure and positive. Even though she was super busy and I was probably in the way of everything in the office, she was still kind and made time to ensure that I was okay. A great leader? That'd be an understatement. She's also has great social skills and is just a great business person (even though she hasn't taken any business courses).

She also inspired me to be a better person. Watching her work, I saw that determination and focus. She knows how to keep on track with work while keeping a positive attitude. Talking to her made me want to be a better person and carry myself in the way she did. She also inspired me to continue with the arts and really motivated me to follow these goals that I have.

It's hard to describe it but on my way home, I felt changed. She didn't have to invite me to go meet her. And she didn't have to take time out of her busy schedule. And she didn't have to be nice to be. But she was. And that's what I admire about her. That's what I want to do from hereon in. I don't have to, but it's still nice to do so.

She offered me a summer internship with the business. I really can't believe it. This is like a dream.

I never imagined my day to go so well. Meeting Dorothy completely makes up for the fact that I completely failed my calculus test today.

-Tee

Woah.

Well hello America.

For the first time EVER, this blog has gotten more views from the USA than from Canada. WOAH. Mind blown. =) No country has ever exceeded Canada.

p.s. If you're reading this, please comment and let me know 1) Your country, 2) How you found this. I really want to know how I got 40 views this week from the US, Canada, Japan, Russia, United Arab Emirates, United Kingdom, Italy, and Slovenia. Oh, and thanks for stopping by. You make me smile.

Shut Up

It's time for me to start making my own mistakes.

"There you go
You're always so right
It's all a big show
It's all about you

You think you know
What everyone needs
You always take time
To criticize me

It seems like everyday
I make mistakes
I just can't get it right

It's like I'm the one
You love to hate
But not today

So shut up, shut up, shut up
Don't wanna hear it
Get out, get out, get out
Get out of my way
Step up, step up, step up
You'll never stop me
Nothing you say today
Is gonna bring me down

There you go
You never ask why
It's all a big lie
Whatever you do

You think you're special
But I know, and I know
And I know, and we know
That you're not

You're always there to point
Out my mistakes
And shove them in my face

It's like I'm the one
You love to hate
But not today

So shut up, shut up, shut up
Don't wanna hear it
Get out, get out, get out
Get out of my way
Step up, step up, step up
You'll never stop me
Nothing you say today
Is gonna bring me down
Is gonna bring me down

Will never bring me down

Don't tell me who I should be
And don't try to tell me what's right for me
Don't tell me what I should do
I don't wanna waste my time
I'll watch you fade away

So shut up, shut up, shut up
Don't wanna hear it
Get out, get out, get out
Get out of my way
Step up, step up, step up
You'll never stop me
Nothing you say today
Is gonna bring me down

Shut up, shut up, shut up
Don't wanna hear it
Get out, get out, get out
Get out of my way
Step up, step up, step up
You'll never stop me
Nothing you say today
Is gonna bring me down

Bring me down
{shut up, shut up, shut up}
Won't bring me down
{shut up, shut up, shut up}
Bring me down
{shut up, shut up, shut up}
Won't bring me down

Shut up, shut up, shut up"

--Simple Plan