aimlessly wandering

All my life I have been a planner. I like to plan things out. I like to organize and make sure I have an idea of what's coming up for me. Even if I don't like the plan, I stick to it until something better walks by.

Then it hit me today, and now it's like my world is spinning.

I try to make my own decisions and it turns out to be a huge fight.

I try to make career decisions and it turns out to be a huge fight.

And my teachers asks me, "how much of you is because of your own decision, and how much is because of your family?"

Well making my family happy will keep a roof over my head and food on the table, money for university. Making myself happy will only pay off in the long-run after I've survived some hard debt.

I don't want to wake up when I'm thirty with regret, but I don't want to wake up tomorrow with that regret either. There has to be a better solution.

It doesn't feel good to be wandering like this. I want my plans back.

I think I was much happier in DENIAL than opening my eyes and seeing what I've hidden for so long. Growing up really sucks right now.