to play or not to play

I spent all of last week trying to catch his eye and he just brushed me off.  Today, he tried to catch my eye and I kept on walking.

Ha. Table’s finally turned.

My best friend told me to stop playing games with him…and I would, except it's so nice to make him feel the longing that he made me feel last week.  But I guess she's right.

When you play with fire, someone always gets burned.

Always.

Oh well, it was nice playing. Time to get back to reality.

.tee.

if i had a time-machine-tivo, this is what would be on it

(from the past...)

1) Reba -
I miss coming home from school and unwinding to a little bit of HILARIOUS.

2) Eight Simple Rules -
Great, quality, family television.

3) Gilmore Girls -
I think I speak faster after watching that show.

4) Whistler -
Hooray for Canadian television!

5) October Road -
They cancelled the show before I even got a chance to catch up!

6) Friends -
Need I say anymore? At least I can watch reruns everyday after school!

(and of course some current favourites like...)

7) Flashpoint -
Absolutely one of the best shows on TV right now.

8) Amazing Race -
Entertaining AND educational. It doesn’t get any better than this.

9) Ellen -
A feel good show after a hard day of school.

10) TMZ -
If nothing else can make me smile, Harvey can.

.tee.

grinning like an idiot

because he makes me like that. I can't help it.

.tee.

throwing darts blindfolded

I just can't seem to pinpoint why I'm so upset.

maybe because he gives me dirty looks down the hallway, but when we're alone, it's like nothing's changed

maybe because I can't be mad at my best friend for doing what she did because she only had good intentions.

maybe because it sucks to have that beautiful feeling with him and have it come crashing down in a second.

maybe because I keep wishing and wishing for things to happen for me, and they haven't.


.i feel dumb.

.tee.

life changes faster than a kaleidoscope

Remember those things!? I thought they were so cool. Ha, hippie child.

Not too long following my previous entry, my best friend messages me and tells me that she has spoken with my crush about ME.
Obviously my heart rate goes through the roof. (Because this isn't the first time and the first time was ugly).

But then, I liked what she had to say.

So now, all I can say is,
"Don't be afraid, please, jump then fall into me" (Taylor Swift).

I am now in flirt mode.

.Tee.

back up, baby, back up

"...

Were you just kidding?
'cause it seems to me, this thing is breaking down
We almost never speak
I don't feel welcome anymore
Baby what happened, please tell me?
'cause one second it was perfect, now you're halfway out the door

...

Thought I knew you for a minute, now I'm not so sure
So here's everything coming down to nothing
Here's to silence that cuts me to the core
Where is this going? Thought I knew for a minute, but I don't anymore

..."

I don’t like saying this, but if I had a time machine, yes, yes I would go back.

.Tee.

p.s. The piano version of Forever and Always is awesome!

C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E-S-O-N-G-song

I've always felt others could express my life better than I could...

"baby you're a wrecking ball, crashing into me, nothing I can do but fall, piece by piece, you broke down every part of me that ever thought I'd never need you, baby

it's twisted, messed up, and the more I think about it, it's crazy but so what? I may never understand it, I'm caught up and I'm hanging on, I'm gonna love you even if it's wrong"
(Twisted, Carrie Underwood)

"you're toxic I'm slipping under, with a taste of a poison paradise, I'm addicted to you, don't you know that you're toxic? And I love what you do, don't you know that you're TOXIC?"
(Toxic, Britney Spears)

...do you get how I feel now?

.tee.

(untitled)...

Many people get bullied at school and do whatever they can to fit in.
Others at home.

What do you do when a house is not a home?


--
Ingrid Michaelson: one great artist.
Keep Breathing one of my favourite songs. It's dramatic, it makes me feel.
The Way I Am is such a great song. I love the video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jJOzdLwvTHA

.Tee.

Smile

I'm in a happy place right now.

School started...and it's not has bad as I thought it'd be. I hate the courses but love the teachers. Hate the work but love the rewards.
Also, I'm pretty active outside of classes so it's not too hard to get up in the morning.

OMG! They replaced my old drama teacher (who was one of the best mentors) with a new drama teacher!! AAHH!!! =(
As long as there were good intentions and everything works out fine.

...Chemistry quiz tomorrow!

.Tee.

p.s. Happy Birthday FLARE MAGAZINE! (I have like three copies of the October issue!)

Graduation Day!

haha, I love how Alexis Bledel says "Graduation Day!" in her new movie Post Grad.

anywho, I just "graduated" Film Camp!!! YAY! It was SO much fun! I learned so much and got to meet/work with such talented youth and adults!
"We're having more trouble with the slating than the scene..."
"It's so funny to listen to his snoring for 45 seconds..."
"If it ain't dead, shoot it!"
I'm ready to step out into the world and show my creativity!

<3
.tee.

Wild Horses

"Wish I could recklessly love like I'm longing to."
--Natasha Bedingfield, Wild Horses

My best friend gave me an unexpected update about the boy that I loved but screwed things up with.

She asked me what I thought.

First numb.

But

I'm happy if he's happy.

Even if that means I'm not in the picture anymore.

And I really do mean it.

I mean, it hurts like crazy that I'm still asking what if.
And thinking about what could have been.
Wondering if he felt the same.

But I've made my mistakes.
And I've learned from them.

So yes,

I'm happy if he's happy.

>Tee

I'm so unproductive...

There are about twenty-three hundred other things I could have done today, like clean/pack my room (yes, I'm moving rooms. Into a smaller room I might add... but I get to decorate it the way I want so I'm excited. Maybe I'll post a picture when it's finished.), read my book, finish some videos I've been working on...well you get the idea.

But no. I like to be unproductive. So I slept in AND took a nap today.

And found this nice video:



and Googled: 'jump cut'.
[credit wikipedia]: A jump cut is a cut in film editing in which two sequential shots of the same subject are taken from camera positions that vary only slightly. This type of edit causes the subject of the shots to appear to "jump" position in a discontinuous way. For this reason, jump cuts are considered a violation of classical continuity editing, which aims to give the appearance of continuous time and space in the story-world by de-emphasizing editing. Jump cuts, in contrast, draw attention to the constructed nature of the film.^[1] Although the term is sometimes used in a loose way, a cut between two different subjects is not a true jump cut, no matter how jarring.

interesting. you learn something new everyday.

maybe my day wasn't as unproductive as i thought. =D

.tee.

midnight ramble...

the elevator smelt like him.
the warm scent of cigarettes, coffee, mint bubble gum, dove soap.
i guess all actors smell the same?

.tee.

Eh!

Happy Birthday Canada!

Carrie and My Breakthrough

First off, Carrie Underwood is THE GREATEST.

Secondly, I had a massive breakthrough...I think...
The other night as I was riding home, I closed my eyes and I saw his face and started to tear up. And at that moment, I realized that I didn't say proper goodbye to him either (like my old love). But at the same time, I wasn't as upset because I don't like him that way. I think I liked the idea of love more than I liked him. I liked how passionate he was about life, about the dramatic arts. And that he showed me more than I could imagine and how he reminded me of my old love. But I'm not upset, because I know this will not be the last I see of him...
Besides, I'm taking what he's given me and running with it, not wallowing in the past.

"Love goes out, out like a light, out like a flame, and you can't find it anymore. Just when you think it's lost in the rain, it comes back knocking at your door." --Wheel of the World, Carrie Underwood

Love, Tee

Innocence

"...life was an undiscovered river
I was jumpin' in
Head first
It was sink or swim
Do or die
...And now and then
I miss those days
But coming back to this place
I realize, it ain't him I miss
It's that young girl,
wide eyed,
First love,
one time
Innocence
...The one thing I can't get back
Is the one thing I miss
...And it was breaking rules
Flying blind
What you see through younger eyes
It wasn't what I thought it was
Man, I swore he was the one
And now and then
I miss those days
But coming back to this place
I realize, it ain't him I miss
It's that young girl,
wide eyed,
First love,
one time
Innocence..."
--Innocence, Sarah Buxton

<3 Tee

"i need you in a rush"

"Baby run cut a path across the blue skies
Straight in a straight line you can't get here fast enough
Find a truck and fire it up
Lean on the gas and off the clutch
Leave Dallas in the dust
I need you in a rush
So baby run"
-Run, George Strait



[...and he's "what you'd call a dream"...]

if you can hear me, let me know

Wake up, I'm trying to show you
I wanna come clean
you mean more than you should mean
but I'm willing to be

the one that you put on a pedestal
the one that you see in your dreams
the one that you hide your true self from
the one you want to please

and I know that it's wrong to want something
so false and so fake
it's not that I want to fix you
I just want to get my way

cause you're the one that I put on a pedestal
the one who keeps coming back to me
the one that I gave my whole heart to
the one who makes me believe

I want a love that's side by side
I want a love that holds me tight
I want a love that feels like a dream
so when I wake up, he's still there with me

so put me up on a pedestal
give me everything I need
but give it to me so completely
that there will be no more wishing
no more wishing
no more wishing
no more wishing

--No More Wishing By Hayley Taylor

i'm going to miss your cigarettes & bubblegum & beautiful eyes, thank you for everything. you've changed the way i live.

On A Saturday Night (11:27)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gL2Ns4xikWM&feature=channel

Jordan McCoy. Check it out. I love this song so much.

love love Tee

Let's get reacquainted, shall we?

1. I've figured out how to combine my love for Drama and my family's love for a traditional job and do something I'll be passionate about. Start an organization. I'll put my accounting knowledge to use, and use my drama skills to raise awareness on issues and provide other youth with opportunities that I never really had. Also, I realized that there are few things in this world that can fill me up with so much happiness than helping others.

2. I've never seen so much drama in drama class. Let's leave it at that.

3. Two and a half more weeks of school. Aw yeah!

Tee

Tied Together with a Smile

"Hold on, baby you're losing it
The water's high, your jumping into it
and letting go and no one knows
that you cry, but you don't tell anyone
that you might not be the golden one
and you're tied together with a smile
but you're coming undone"
--Taylor Swift (Tied Together with a Smile)

*This is a pretty long blog, you don't have to read it...it's for my own personal venting*

I cried after drama class on Wednesday and cried myself to sleep that same night. It's been a hard week: between trying to be a good person, fix my relationship with my drama teacher, accounting test, history test, school performance, being a tutor, and getting my house ready for a party, I've run out of fuel. I couldn't handle it and I was not my usual self. I broke that day.

Then for Thursday, I vowed to be the ideal person and try to put all my problems behind me. I'm an actor, I can act ideal, can't I? What I've learned is that there is a huge difference between acting and reality.

And then today. I cried in Drama class, but not for the same reasons as I did before. Because today, I realized what a terrible world it is. Sorry for sounding so "emo".

Here's the deal:

I wasn't in class on Thursday because I was rehearsing for the show. Apparently in drama class, there was a presentation of a scene from the Diary of Anne Frank and at the end, the two actors kissed making everyone feel awkward and laugh. {the rest gets pretty complicated, I'm not too sure what happened} then there was a video about the Holocaust and everyone was still laughing. My teacher thought they were laughing at the video, but they were laughing at other things. Then a whole bunch of stuff happened resulting in a lot of conflict, people sent to the office, and miscommunication.

Feeling bad about what happened, my teacher opened it up for discussion in class today. And then the claws came out. First it was talking about the issue and then people started to make personal attacks (and I watch enough TV to know that personal attacks mean they have nothing left to argue).

I cried for them.

1. For my teacher: what could he do but assume the obvious. There is a video and people are laughing. He was wrong for jumping to conclusions, he should not think so low of the kids who were laughing, and maybe he should have took a breath and been the teacher that he is.

2. For the presenters: Drama means the world to me and if everyone started laughing and everyone make my presentation seem ridiculous, I would be upset to. But personal attacks? Maybe I'm just too passive.

3. For the students: Laugh. Fine. Get it out. I know how hard it is to keep laughs in. But did they have to be disrespectful? Do they see where everyone else is coming from?

The whole conflict today just make me SO angry because nobody understood what had happened. My teacher wants a discussion, the presenters want revenge, the students want the conflict to be over but not at the expense of their egos.
GROW UP. Accept responsibility for what you've done, vow to never do it again, understand where the other people are coming from, and grow up and move on.
I felt so bad for everyone. Especially my teacher because he was trying to own up to what he had done but they wouldn't let him.

I was so angry at all of them, but I wasn't there. I had no right to say anything. So I said nothing and walked out of the class.

After class, I went up to my teacher and summarized (pretty poorly) what I had just written and I think he appreciated that and it made him feel a little better. But his eyes said that he was really troubled by it. And I would be too.

Hopefully everything will blow over this weekend.

I have two-million and two things to do and I'm still pretty stressed out. I don't know what I'm going to do.

xox.
Tee

Learning at Midnight

1. Tom Higgenson (lead singer of the Plain White T's) is so HOT. I watched them perform on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon last night and I am in LOVE. So SEXY with glasses! 2. Unagi is NOT good. 3. Frankenstein is okay...I'm halfway through and it's not the best book, but it's not bad. We'll see how I feel when it is done. 4. Dairy Queen ice-cream cake is SUPER GOOD!!! 5. School and parents can be blamed for adolescent turmoil.

xox.
Tee.

Over It

Wow.
I am in a state of shock right now.
Because I've spent so, so long crying about a boy that I've messed things up with. Crying about how he's moved away and forgot all about me.
But then, I forgot all about him. I got over him.
And it was only until now, that I remembered him.
Here's a story...(not using names here...)

We're sitting in class with nothing to do because our teacher was away and everyone finished their work. Then, out of nowhere one of my friend screams, "Anonymous! It's your birthday today?!?!" It wasn't, his birthday is next week. But then, it felt like a brick wall smacked me in the face.
Last year at this time, Anonymous got really mad and jealous that I forgot his birthday but remembered the birthday of another boy (the one who left without saying goodbye, lets call him Ex-Prince Charming).
And for some reason, sitting in that class, I realized, wow, I missed Ex-Prince Charming's birthday. Just totally forgot about it, forgot about him. And I knew I was over him.
I mean, yeah, it sucks what happened between us, but I'm over it. And it's weird because I've spent such a large part of the past year regretting letting him go.

HAPPY.

xox.
Tee.

Flow

I spent almost a month trying to do my English class writing assignment and came up with pretty crap work.
Tonight, I spent about an hour and a half just letting my fingers fly over the keyboard and actually did a good job on the last part of my assignment. It FEELS SO GOOD!
Now, I just have to edit it...so I'm going to wait one night, collect my thoughts, and really do my best on this assignment.
Due Friday.

xox.
Tee

Long Weekend

Well, my long weekend is half way over and I think I've been pretty productive.

Thursday: Took a twelve-hour nap...

Friday: Watched A LOT of The Hills. (loves it!)

Saturday: Did quite a lot of homework, went shopping, practiced for school performance, blogging!!

So today, i met a very cute boy (too old for me but he is still cute). He worked at the hardware store we went to and was very informative and helpful. Thank you very cute boy, you've made my day.

After watching so many episodes of The Hills, I've decided that what my friend said is true: we all say we want a good boy but we always fall for the bad ones.

xox.
Tee

Canada <3

Project Runway Canada: I just started watching Project Runway Canada 2 on Rogers on Demand recently and it is really really good. I love it. The designers are great for the most part and it is such an interesting show.




Sandra Oh: I love her and she's Canadian. She's so talented and kind--I watched a old interview of hers with Ellen DeGeneres and said how her parents thought acting was next to prostitution but she managed to stick with it and look how successful she is now! She's one of my role models and is great inspiration.

...Other great Canadian things: Free Health Care and Poutines.

xox.
<3.

Wow, I'm really bad at this

Just to keep it going...I'm going to post a really short one.

March Break is OVER and I got little to nothing done.

MFW Closet: Blunt-Cut Bangs

I recently got blunt-cut bangs so I thought I'd assemble some pictures of celebs rocking the look.



But my bangs have been put up for the past while because it's EXAM SEASON. Science: complete
Math: complete
Business: studying like mad...

xoxo