Tied Together with a Smile

"Hold on, baby you're losing it
The water's high, your jumping into it
and letting go and no one knows
that you cry, but you don't tell anyone
that you might not be the golden one
and you're tied together with a smile
but you're coming undone"
--Taylor Swift (Tied Together with a Smile)

*This is a pretty long blog, you don't have to read it...it's for my own personal venting*

I cried after drama class on Wednesday and cried myself to sleep that same night. It's been a hard week: between trying to be a good person, fix my relationship with my drama teacher, accounting test, history test, school performance, being a tutor, and getting my house ready for a party, I've run out of fuel. I couldn't handle it and I was not my usual self. I broke that day.

Then for Thursday, I vowed to be the ideal person and try to put all my problems behind me. I'm an actor, I can act ideal, can't I? What I've learned is that there is a huge difference between acting and reality.

And then today. I cried in Drama class, but not for the same reasons as I did before. Because today, I realized what a terrible world it is. Sorry for sounding so "emo".

Here's the deal:

I wasn't in class on Thursday because I was rehearsing for the show. Apparently in drama class, there was a presentation of a scene from the Diary of Anne Frank and at the end, the two actors kissed making everyone feel awkward and laugh. {the rest gets pretty complicated, I'm not too sure what happened} then there was a video about the Holocaust and everyone was still laughing. My teacher thought they were laughing at the video, but they were laughing at other things. Then a whole bunch of stuff happened resulting in a lot of conflict, people sent to the office, and miscommunication.

Feeling bad about what happened, my teacher opened it up for discussion in class today. And then the claws came out. First it was talking about the issue and then people started to make personal attacks (and I watch enough TV to know that personal attacks mean they have nothing left to argue).

I cried for them.

1. For my teacher: what could he do but assume the obvious. There is a video and people are laughing. He was wrong for jumping to conclusions, he should not think so low of the kids who were laughing, and maybe he should have took a breath and been the teacher that he is.

2. For the presenters: Drama means the world to me and if everyone started laughing and everyone make my presentation seem ridiculous, I would be upset to. But personal attacks? Maybe I'm just too passive.

3. For the students: Laugh. Fine. Get it out. I know how hard it is to keep laughs in. But did they have to be disrespectful? Do they see where everyone else is coming from?

The whole conflict today just make me SO angry because nobody understood what had happened. My teacher wants a discussion, the presenters want revenge, the students want the conflict to be over but not at the expense of their egos.
GROW UP. Accept responsibility for what you've done, vow to never do it again, understand where the other people are coming from, and grow up and move on.
I felt so bad for everyone. Especially my teacher because he was trying to own up to what he had done but they wouldn't let him.

I was so angry at all of them, but I wasn't there. I had no right to say anything. So I said nothing and walked out of the class.

After class, I went up to my teacher and summarized (pretty poorly) what I had just written and I think he appreciated that and it made him feel a little better. But his eyes said that he was really troubled by it. And I would be too.

Hopefully everything will blow over this weekend.

I have two-million and two things to do and I'm still pretty stressed out. I don't know what I'm going to do.

xox.
Tee