Breathe

I thought I was over that night in November.  That night when I didn't feel safe being in the same room as you.  I thought I had forgiven that because you weren't you, and I wasn't me.
But I'm not.  I don't even know who I'm more upset at.  You for being so rude to me.  Or me for allowing it.

I thought I was over all the times that I made time for you and all those other times you didn't make time for me.  All those times I helped you.  All the things that you don't know I went through.  I made you a priority and you wrote me off.
Again, what am I more upset about?  You not giving me the same commitment I gave you, or me for giving too much to you.

And in the middle of one of my longest, most stressful weeks, you get mad at me.  I'm helping you win over a girl you think you like and I forget that it's me who is doing you the favour this time.  And even though I'm the one doing the favour, you're the one calling the shots.  So when my week starts me drain me down, you're getting mad, like it's my fault that I can't deliver a package to you at the most convenient time for you.  The worst part is that I didn't even know it wasn't my fault until someone else said so.  But at the end of it all, you're mad and I feel bad about it.  In a way, maybe it is my fault.  But maybe it isn't.  And then you tell me that you've done nothing all week.  You had all the time in the world this week and made me feel guilty for being too busy to bring the package to you.  For working hard in school and at my career and making time for family.

I made life too easy for you.  I accommodated you too much.  And now I feel used.

This becomes a problem when it happens over and over again.  I don't like seeing the worst in people.  But I guess being kind isn't always taken the right ways.  It happened this past week.  This long week, I was hurt by somebody else who only talked to me for the purpose of using me for their own advancement.  Calling me cute because they knew I'd think they were being genuine.  And I thank you for being there that night I was hurting.  But I didn't expect to end the week feeling used once again by you.  And that's a kind of pain I haven't felt in a while.  To see my best friend turn their back on me.  To feel like my best friend was using me all this time.

Not that we've been this toxic all the time.  Because you have been one of the best things to have happened to me.  You made me smile.  You made me feel better.  You gave me reasons to look forward to things and take chances.  I know you'll never care about me as much as I do you, but the honest truth is, there are not too many people who care that much about me.  I've learned to get by without others.  So when somebody does care, I don't take that lightly.  I don't want to lose you.  I can't imagine my life without you.

Now that we're not speaking, I'm finding myself stopping to check my phone for messages from you.  I find myself wanting to tell you all these things that we used to talk about.  All the little things.  The silly things.  The inside jokes.  All the things that I don't share with any other person.  But I can't tell you.

So what do I do now?