Words

I'd like to start with an apology for the way I've been acting lately.  The truth of the matter is, I'm tired.  Between all the things I have to do and all the people asking me for favours, I'm tired.  So when you asked me to move my schedule for you, this was the one time I couldn't.  I wanted to, but I couldn't.  And I was upset that you put me in a position to feel guilty for not doing so.  But I was too tired to deal with it, so I didn't.  I stayed silent.

The only reason I was that upset at you was because you were upset at me.  I needed an upper hand somehow.  I needed an upper hand for once.  You knew how hurt I was for believing someone was nice to me but ended up using me.  You know how happy I am to make others happy.  I just never expected that you would turn into one of those people who use me too.

Not to accuse you of something as devastating as that, but a little gratitude would've helped.  An "it's okay" would've made it feel better.  I know I screwed up.  I know I should have made sure the package was there for you to pick up, but in the midst of all the craziness in my week, I just didn't make it a priority.  So I get that you're mad at that.  And I'm sorry.  I really am.  If I could go back, I would.  But what was your alternative?  Hanging with your friends for an extra three hours?  Because hanging with them all week wasn't enough?

What upsets me even more is the fact that you're doing this to win over a girl who doesn't even treat you with respect.  Who doesn't really care about you.  But here I am trying to help you out and you're getting mad at me.  Do you even care about what I do for you?  Do I even mean anything to you?

Remember all those late nights we stayed up talking?  I don't even remember what we were talking about, I was so tired.  But I remember saying yes every time you asked me to stay with you an extra five minutes.  My fault, trying to rebel against my parents.

And that rebellion turned into breaking every rule I had for myself.

Then in November, you thought I was mad at you because you didn't take the competition seriously.  No.  I was mad at you because you broke our entire friendship that night.  I didn't trust you.  I didn't feel safe in the same room as you.  I know things in your life are hard and maybe having that weekend of freedom from it all is what you needed.  Not that I support alcoholism, but that was your choice.  So why did you have to force me into it to?  Why did it get so bad that other people had to stand up for me?  Why couldn't you respect me?  Do you know that I used to turn to drugs?  Do you know I've always had a fear of getting addicted to substances and losing everything I worked for?  Because when I was thirteen, that time when I almost ended my life, those were the problems I faced.  I debated substance abuse.  And when I was getting better, I wondered if I'd ever be strong enough to resist using alcohol and drugs as a coping mechanism.  And you wanted to force me into that.  I thought I got over it after that weekend.  You were drunk, you didn't mean it.  But I can't forget it.  And I'm not over it.  You hit me where it hurt the most and never asked why.  Never asked if I was okay.  You just left the room.

But you want to know what happened after November?  We were still friends, closer than ever.

Want to hear another secret?  I meant every word of what I said that summer night.  I said to forget it.  I said I didn't mean it.  But I can't take back my actions and words that I've told you.  I can't erase my intentions and I don't want to.  Because I do care about you.  If love is caring so much for someone that it's easy to do the hard work, well here I am sitting here doing exactly that.  I've loved you for an entire year and you didn't even realize.

I told you all those things because I didn't want to live forever with a big "what if".  And part of me was hoping that even if you didn't feel the way I did, you'd still try.  Or you'll realize it eventually.  But I guess I was living a dream.  I knew you didn't love me.  I knew you'd never hold me up as high in your life as I do with you in mine.  But the sad truth is, even if it's only half of your heart, it's more than anyone else has ever given me.  It's more than I believed anyone could give me.  I'm a broken and complicated person.  I'm not a model.  I'm not a genius.  But you didn't care about that.  So I told you I loved you.  Because in my mind, that's the closest to love I'll ever get.

Despite all these negative things I'm bringing up now, we were a good pairing.  I've never laughed so much, opened up so much, never talked so much to anyone else.  We'd read each other minds.  You'd know exactly what to say and understood me so well.  I can honestly and wholeheartedly say you are one of the best things to walk into my life.  There was a time where the thought of not having you around literally took the breath out of me.  You inspire me.  I admire how carefree and easy going you are.  I admire your intelligence.  I'm so grateful for the times that you were there for me, sometimes without you even knowing that you made a bad day better.  I'll always cherish the time we shared, the part of our lives that we shared.  I loved you for being human and being vulnerable.  You made me happy.

But in the past week that we haven't spoken, I realized I can breathe without you.  I survived seven days of not knowing what you were doing or how you were.  I survived seven days without having to talk to you all the time.  It was difficult.  I cried.  It was weighing on my mind all the time.  I listened to every sad song there is.  I constantly kept checking my phone, praying you'd say something to make me change my mind.  I asked our friends about you.  I wondered if there was a chance that you were upset about not speaking too.  But on day seven, I was feeling okay.  I was getting used to a new normal.  I focused on my studies and my career.  I spent time with friends and family.  I picked up my guitar again and wrote lyrics that even I was surprised I wrote.  I learned to love myself, to respect myself enough to not let people take advantage of me anymore.  Where I am right now, there are people who don't treat me very well.  I used to accept that, but I don't anymore.  I won't allow it.  So on day seven, I was okay with knowing that I may never talk to you again.  If you, someone who was wrong for me, could make me feel so happy, I can't wait to meet the person who is right for me.  The one who will think that I'm everything and treat me well.  It's hard to imagine reaching that point, but I have to have faith.

Also on day seven, you texted me.  I smiled when I didn't mean to.  I saw myself becoming that girl again.  That subservient girl that used to move her world to revolve around you.  And I just can't do it anymore.  I don't want to be her.  I don't want you to be the guy who makes it happen.  Because I don't hate you, or resent you.  And I never want to.  But you're pretending like we're okay, like nothing happened this past week.  But I'm not okay.

I don't want to lose my best friend.  And I've never been a fighter, but I want to fight for this.  I just don't know how to be your friend and be myself at the same time.