Friends

"I don't have friends, I have people who like to be seen with me." - Juliette Barnes ("Nashville")

In September, she told me to be careful.  This guy sounds nice and all, but there's something off about the whole situation.

She was right.

He didn't care if I said "hello" or not, he just cared that I was able to help him.
And when I said "no", he left.

At first I was upset at myself for believing this kid.  But I'm not the one who did anything wrong.  Someone was kind to me and I was kind back.  I like to believe that everyone is genuine.  I want to see the good in people.  And I won't change that about myself.

So when I see him in the halls, I look at him and smile...and he can't look me in the eye.  And to me, this is wildly amusing.

In November, she told me to be careful.  These people seem nice and all, but I have something they want, and they can use me to get it.  I told her that I've heard this speech before but thanks for the warning.

This has become a constant paranoia.

I want to trust people and believe that they're talking to me because they want to.  But I can't fight the feeling that they don't actually care what I have to say.  I can't fight the feeling that they're going to use me and then leave me.

I'm a naturally shy and introverted person.  And this doesn't help.

I miss my real friends.  The ones who don't care what labels come after my name.  The ones who don't care what I'm doing.  I miss the people who hang out with me because they want to.  Because they like me for who I am, not what I can do for them.

I want friends, not people who like to be seen with me.