What I don't understand is how I could've been so wrong about everything I thought was happening. I spent an entire year thinking about him, catering to him, wasting every star wishing for him. I thought that he meant it like I did when he told me "I love you" and when he said all those kind words to me. I thought it meant something to him when I stayed up with him every night. I thought he meant something by "you'll always come first" and "I don't want to lose you". But I was wrong.
And now somebody else is slowly making their way into my life, into my heart, and he encourages it. It doesn't even cross his mind that maybe he made a mistake. It doesn't cross his mind that he may lose me to someone else. That his best friend will be committed to someone else and therefore, can no longer be his best friend like that anymore.
That's the hardest part.
That he doesn't care.
Forget the relationship. He doesn't even care about losing me as a friend.
That's what hurts the most.
What I'm most scared about is that I was so sure, but so wrong. What if it happens again now as I jump?
Monday, August 20, 2012
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Seventeen Forever
It's not that I didn't have a great time hanging out with you. At the end of the day, you're still my friend. But I've come to realize that sometimes, people change and grow. And when they're not together, they'll grow apart. I'm so happy with where I am right now and where I'm going. I don't regret anything in my past, but I don't want to live there.
I don't want to stay seventeen forever and that's how it feels like when I'm spending my hours with you. It's all about reminiscing and being who we used to be. When really, I want to be who I am now.
I can just feel it. I can feel that I'm on the brink of everything to come and I can't waste my present moments being seventeen. I want to live in the now. I want to see the future.
This doesn't mean we can't sit for a coffee every now and then and think back on the memories. It just means that I don't feel compelled to put down all my projects and pause my life to chat with you about the little things every day.
Life's big. I want to be in it.
I don't want to stay seventeen forever and that's how it feels like when I'm spending my hours with you. It's all about reminiscing and being who we used to be. When really, I want to be who I am now.
I can just feel it. I can feel that I'm on the brink of everything to come and I can't waste my present moments being seventeen. I want to live in the now. I want to see the future.
This doesn't mean we can't sit for a coffee every now and then and think back on the memories. It just means that I don't feel compelled to put down all my projects and pause my life to chat with you about the little things every day.
Life's big. I want to be in it.
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