This Week

Monday.
It's been about a year since I started feeling so overwhelmed by how I felt for you.  I'm sitting in the cutest cafe with my best friend and we talk and talk like we always do.  And she makes me brave because I never am.  She makes me think about myself, because I never do.  She tells me I can't go wrong, because I always do.
Monday (night).
I'm going over everything she says and I want to tell you.  Pour my heart out, except this time, not in a song or unread blogs.  I'm thinking I don't want to be with someone that I'll always love more than they'll love me back.  I'm thinking that you're the only person who has ever loved me this much.  I'm thinking that if I had a chance, I'd know by now, you don't wait for things.  I'm thinking I hate you for constantly telling me how much you love me and care about you.  How happy I make you.  I'm thinking that if nothing's going right in my life, I have to change it.  No more waiting for life to happen.  It's happening.  I'm thinking I don't trust you.  I'm thinking "long live the reckless and the brave".
Monday (night, still).
I don't sleep.  I'm going over every possible scenario.
Tuesday.
I feel sick.  Thinking about what you could possibly be thinking about.  I can't concentrate.  I can't eat.  I can't be normal.
Tuesday (evening).
She tells me everything will be alright.  But the truth is, I'm confused myself, never mind you for a minute. Why did I do it?  I don't know.  If I wanted to be reckless and brave, I could have played with another boy's emotions.  Told him that I still cared.  Spent the night in his arms.  But I didn't.  I chose the one relationship I really cared about.  That's where I messed up.
Tuesday (night).
You tell me everything will be alright.  You love me, just not the way I love you.  You tell me we can be the friends we always were.  I want to believe you.  I want it to be true.  But the truth is, it's not going to be normal.  We're not going to stay up until three a.m. talking about absolutely nothing at all.  I'm not going to be the one you turn to about your problems.  I lost the right to know about what you're doing and how you're feeling every day when I spilled my heart out.  That's the reality I figured out.
Wednesday (evening).
I want something to be passionate about.  I want to feel happy about something.  My career?  My family?  My love life?  I'm feeling trapped in a destiny I thought I wanted and locked myself into.  And I lost the one person who was able to take my mind off of being unsatisfied.  You don't know much about me, but you were able to make me feel better.  By just being there.  You don't have to know what happened, you don't have to say anything about it, you don't even have to know I'm sad.  Just you being there was enough.
Wednesday (night).
I drink because I can.  It's the feeling of being reckless and brave.  It's the feeling of being something I wasn't before.  It's the possibility of feeling like maybe I can forget about my life for a second.
Thursday (morning).
I wake up early, exercise, go to work.  I'm self sufficient.  I'm confident when I walk.
Thursday (evening).
I still love you.  But I'm going to make you wish you hadn't lost me.  I'm going to be successful.  I'm going to be pretty.  I'm going to be the person I've always idolized.  And if that isn't enough for you, then maybe it will be for somebody new.
Friday.
I can feel the change.  It's easy to forget about the bad when I'm too focused on the now.  Too focused on optimism and looking for better.  I do what I want to.  I live how I want to.  I finish my to-do list.
Saturday.
I miss you. 

Wait for It

He's not here right now to make me feel better.  To fill up this void that I'm feeling.  To share in all the things I love and convince me otherwise when I give up on my dreams and passions.  He's not here right now to know what colour my eyes are or feel the warmth of my breath on his skin.

But he's alive, right now, in this moment.  He's breathing.  And in time, fate will find us together.  And then, he will be here.

And until that day, I have to sit here.  And wait.