The Art of Reinvention

This summer, I am setting out on a journey to change and finally feel fulfilled. Of course there will be things that I will have to wait for, like love and a career. But there are still plenty of things that I can do now.

This whole thing started with my friends messaging me online and saying that this summer is the summer before we go absolutely crazy nerdy in senior year. They are in fact correct. So, their plan was for us to create a few group goals (like having a fancy English brunch) and a few personal ones (like talking up a cute stranger).

I started thinking, and being the optimist I usually am, have created a two month reinvention goal for myself. From now until school starts again, I will be working a little bit each day to become the person I can look back and say “wow, kudos” (probably not in those exact words).

Goals:

• Get my driver’s license
• Create Eight Short Films (one down!)
• Finish writing my film and theatre scripts
• Research University Information
• Get fit
• Get smart
• Figure out what I want
• Work on my dream/goal board

Today was Day 1:

I’m reading the driver’s ed. handbook right now, thought of an idea for my next film, and exercised for half an hour. Good start, I’d say.

{…tee}

another song about a broken heart

this is not healthy, but I have to do it anyways.

Dear {blank},

I wish things would've turned out differently. I actually believed they would. I guess things never go according to plan, right? I mean, you never planned for me to admit what I was feeling, did you?

The whole time we were there, I just wanted to tell you everything that was circulating in my head. Because there were so many things that I never told you, never showed you before. But I couldn't get anything out. Maybe somewhere inside, I didn't want to get anything out. Because as much as I wanted us, I was scared too.

And things seem kind of like a blur right now, but I just thought you should know that I want you to be selfish. Yes, I've got all these things going for me. I'm a busy girl, and I like being busy. But at the end of the day, I wish there was somebody there to say, "Good night". I wish I had someone to hug goodbye when I leave and to get excited about seeing.

That day you walked me to your door and waited. Do you remember that? I almost kissed you. I know it was a joke to you. But that night really got me confused about what was happening.

I'm not confused anymore.

I know that I've developed feelings that are stronger than ever before. How do I know this? Because I can't control things this time like I've done before. I can't turn it off like I've done before.

Now I'm hearing stories, left and right. I don't know how much is true. Are they saying it to get back at me? Are they saying it because it's what I want to hear? And it's driving me insane trying to figure this out alone. I want to talk to you but I don't want this to be the end. Ever.

I'd apologize for starting this. I'd apologize for ruining what we had. But I don't think I want to. I do, but I don't. It was a risk. And now we don't have to ever wonder what if, right? I guess it doesn't really matter now, anyways. What's done can't be undone.

To be completely honest though, I think you're hiding something else. Another reason that you're not tell me or anyone else we know. I guess I am too. But that's a conversation for another day.

I don't know what I want from you. I don't know what I want from myself. I don't know what I want from writing this letter. I just hate this lingering silence we've created...I've created. Yeah, I guess this is all my fault. And even more so now that I've given up. But you had a hand in it too. I guess you just can't help it though. I'm the one who fell right? Out of your control.

I'm not really sure what happens next. All I know is I miss you, and everything we had. Ball's in your court.

--Tee

giving back the ring

I woke up this morning and I couldn't take it anymore.

As much as I love him, I don't want to keep getting my heart broken by him.

Who said knowledge is power? Knowledge is tearing me apart.

{...tee}

If you can hear me, I'm so, so sorry.

Three things to note...

1) Today I went to the beach and brought it home with me in my fold-up capris.

2) I bought myself the Chase Coy cd, Picturesque. AMAZING.

3) I've never been more confused, scared, and excited by the possibility of love as I am right now.

{...tee}

that's what single girls do...

I honestly thought he'd say yes.

And every now and then, I think about how great it could've been.

But sometimes I see all the flaws that would've separated us.

And I know it's for the best that things didn't go the way I expected. It's better this way.

But times still get a little lonely.

If I had courage, I'd tell him to be selfish. If I had courage, I wouldn't care to get hurt.

But love is a little more complicated than that.

{...tee.}

MFW Closet - Urban Chic

(p.s. lame photoshop skills. too tired to care.)

{...tee}

letters hidden in my mailbox.

It's nice to know that maybe, a little piece of him wants me too and I'm not imagining the "us" alone. It's nice to know that I can finally be myself with him yet still get butterflies. It's nice to feel like we've always been better off as friends. It's nice to fall asleep with a smile on my face again. Sometimes a bad day can have a happy ending.
-----------------------------------------
Last night I had a dream where everyone told me he came back. I saw him down the hall and for the first time in a long time, I saw his face. I can't see it anymore now, but I know I saw his face. I run into his arms and into his warm embrace. Thank you. And he tells me he's proud that I haven't given up and I'm about to tell him I did when he keeps talking to tell me how happy he is to see me. I woke up breathless. I saw him. I felt him. I smelt him. I heard him. Today, I fell in love with life again. I want this now more than I did. I don't know how I'll get there, but I'm going. I'm going.

.tee.

let it rain...

My best friend told me to write it down: all these thoughts and feelings in my head. And I will. Pardon the rambling.

It started with a blast from the past, a reminder of the feelings I used to have.
I can't remember his face or his voice, but I remember the feeling. Belonging? Happiness? Purpose?
I don't really understand how it all came to be, it just clicked.
I never got closure, never got to say goodbye. But maybe it's my own fault for thinking that things last forever, and if they don't they'll just fade, not like this.
A constant cloud hanging.

I know I need to let it go. I know I need to be with just myself right now. I need to forget about him and him and him. How else can I be with him or him or him if I can't be with myself? But what if I can't be me without him?

I've always been the lost girl. And he found me. He made me laugh enough to forget that I'm lost. He turned me west and told me to walk and I did. And I liked it.

It's just the same story over and over. Was it never meant to be or was it something I did or said?
Or maybe I'm just remembering all of this wrong.
Maybe I was blinded, too willing to fall in love.
And maybe that's my problem right there.
But if I never try, I'll never know.

Somehow, moving forward seems a lot harder than I thought it'd be. Maybe because I'm doing it all wrong.
It's even harder when everything reminds me of the past. Colours, numbers, scents, places, events. It also doesn't help that I look for his face in a crowded room, on a crowded street, waiting to revisit those emotions.

Like somehow, I want life to begin so badly and I just can't right now. But with him, it felt like I was beginning. I know I have all the time in the world right now, but it doesn't feel like it. I feel like I'm running out of those precious minutes and if only I could talk to him one last time, it would make everything worth it, like I'm not wasting time anymore.

I never realized how sad I was until this happened. All those years bottled up is coming back up again. Maybe all I need is a good cry, get it out of my system. Let it all out and there, in a pile on my bed, will lie the body of a girl who has emptied herself out.

Does time heal all wounds?

.tee.

what can i say...

I watched this video five times in one night. It is EPIC.

.tee.

pretty awesome stuff...

Every day when I go onto the internet, my homepage gives me a bunch of neat articles to read (thank you torontoist!). Here's what I've stumbled upon today:

During the Men's Hocky Final, Toronto Held It.

.tee.