Another kind of letter.

Dear ___________,

I hope you know how special you are.  And I want you to know that I meant everything I said to you.  Every moment was genuine.  You made me laugh and you were all I could think about.  You were supportive and listened and I couldn't have asked for anything more.  But I did.  If I was any other girl at any other time, I think something more could have happened between us.

But this is my apology letter, months later, because I was and never will be strong enough to do it in person.  But I ran away because I'm quite broken and you deserve to not deal with that.  I wanted to open up to you, but it's hard.  I've spent a long time building walls.  And maybe that was another reason I ran away.  maybe you and I were something too soon.  Before I even knew who you really were, before you knew who I really was.  It felt like a storybook of assumptions.  That was scary, and I'm a scaredy cat.

I also heard that you just broke up with your girlfriend only a few months ago.  I dont' usually care what people think, but for some reason, I did this time.  I don't know what the details were or if there were any truths in what they said, but I didn't want to be the second choice, the rebound.  I'm sure I wasn't, but I couldn't shake that feeling.

Most of all, you deserve someone who can fully give her heart to you.  I'm too stuck in the past to move forward with you.  That night we danced together, I realized that I'm not the one for you, and maybe, you weren't the right one for me.  You don't know this, but I was having a terrible day and though you were able to make me smile, someone else was there to make me feel better.  I guess I wasn't as ready to move on as I thought I was.

So sitting here thinking about leaving you and leaving us like we did, it's not appetizing.  But it's how it goes.  This is me saying sorry.

-T

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This letter was written on a piece of scrap paper back in June during my exam week.  I didn't want to study and with prom and commencement coming up, I couldn't shake the feelings of leaving so many lose ends in high school.
The truth is though, the past is in the past and I'm living for the now.  I'm pretty much over any guy I've ever felt anything for in high school.  They'll always be a part of me, I mean, they've definitely helped define who I am today.  But it's over, and I'm headed off somewhere new.  It's like a breath of fresh air, really.

A letter for him…

Sometimes it’s just nice to get things off your chest…
Dear ___________,
It’s been a year since that day we stood in the halls and I told you how I was feeling. I hope you know that I don’t do that often. In fact, I don’t do that, ever. But I really thought we could’ve been something because I knew you were different from everyone else.
The truth about that day was I didn’t really tell you everything that was circling in my head. I didn’t tell you that you were, are, great, and smart, and funny, and the only person I would sacrifice anything for. And when you told me you didn’t want to get in the way of all the other things I was doing, I said “okay” when really, I wanted to say “I’d rather have you”. And when you walked away, I pretended like I was all cool, like whatever we were was just a story book. No real connection to me when the pages finished. But really, I’ve spent the past year with you in the back of my mind. To be honest, I’m not sure why it lasted so long, but it’s the truth.
Well, here’s the story of how I fell for you. It’s silly telling you, but sometimes I wish that you would tell me too how you fell for me; if you did ever fall for me. (You know, there are nights I lay there and wonder if you really did feel the same way or if it was only me. I wonder if you felt those moments too and if you were just a little upset after our chat in the hallway last year.) In any case, I think it started that day we were at _________’s house watching 500 Days of Summer. We were on her bed together and I put my head on your shoulder. I felt like I belonged there and I wanted you there next to me. Then we went to your house and sat in your room. That’s a weird one, but I just felt a lot closer to you. Learning about you.
But the deal breaker was at your seventeenth birthday party. It kills me every time I think about it and it drives me insane trying to think whether you felt it too. If maybe you wanted what I wanted. But when I had to leave, you waited with me by the door and we just stood there in our corner flirting like we always did. But you almost kissed me. I felt it (or at least I think I felt it from you). Being in that corner, I wanted to be careless and I sometimes wish I did, with no regard for the consequences, just kissed you. After that night, I realized how much you meant to me.
We became such great friends but I guess I had to go and ruin it by saying how I felt. Would we have ended differently if I never said those things? Would we still be close now? I’m not sure, but I also know that I don’t have to wonder if we could’ve ended up together if only I had just spoken up.
Do you know that you’re the only one who can make me feel better? The day of the school show, you don’t know this, but I had probably one of the worst mornings. I was upset and stormed into the library hoping to be semi-productive and distracted. Then I saw you. And I talked with you. And I felt better. At that time, I was with somebody else and I realized that I still wanted you. It’s always been you.
And recently I’ve been seeing you more, but to be honest, it doesn’t feel like it used to. And I think you can agree. In any case, every hug, every time you put your arms around me, every laugh, reminds me of what we used to have and I miss it. I really do. I miss you.
I’ve heard that you’re with someone new now. I bet you’re happy and I bet she’s everything you didn’t see in me. I’m glad you’re happy. I wish nothing but everything good in life for you because you’re that amazing. I hope she knows that about you.
Eventually, I’ll move on too. I guess I kept holding onto the chance that maybe you’d be mine, even if it was only for one night. I keep the coral reef you gave me close by and every sad song brings me back to that hug in the hallway. That was when we changed and I want to go back to when that coral reef was given. When we were close.
Next year you’ll be gone and so will I. Maybe that’ll be easier for me to move on, when I don’t see you around. Where you can’t sneak up behind me for hugs. Maybe then I will find someone new.
So I guess I’ll end off by thanking you for teaching me love. Not the kind we think we all know about high school crushes and school yard heartbreaks. But how to genuinely care for someone. You’ll always be the bigger one in this relationship. I’ll always love you.
-T

another song about a broken heart

this is not healthy, but I have to do it anyways.

Dear {blank},

I wish things would've turned out differently. I actually believed they would. I guess things never go according to plan, right? I mean, you never planned for me to admit what I was feeling, did you?

The whole time we were there, I just wanted to tell you everything that was circulating in my head. Because there were so many things that I never told you, never showed you before. But I couldn't get anything out. Maybe somewhere inside, I didn't want to get anything out. Because as much as I wanted us, I was scared too.

And things seem kind of like a blur right now, but I just thought you should know that I want you to be selfish. Yes, I've got all these things going for me. I'm a busy girl, and I like being busy. But at the end of the day, I wish there was somebody there to say, "Good night". I wish I had someone to hug goodbye when I leave and to get excited about seeing.

That day you walked me to your door and waited. Do you remember that? I almost kissed you. I know it was a joke to you. But that night really got me confused about what was happening.

I'm not confused anymore.

I know that I've developed feelings that are stronger than ever before. How do I know this? Because I can't control things this time like I've done before. I can't turn it off like I've done before.

Now I'm hearing stories, left and right. I don't know how much is true. Are they saying it to get back at me? Are they saying it because it's what I want to hear? And it's driving me insane trying to figure this out alone. I want to talk to you but I don't want this to be the end. Ever.

I'd apologize for starting this. I'd apologize for ruining what we had. But I don't think I want to. I do, but I don't. It was a risk. And now we don't have to ever wonder what if, right? I guess it doesn't really matter now, anyways. What's done can't be undone.

To be completely honest though, I think you're hiding something else. Another reason that you're not tell me or anyone else we know. I guess I am too. But that's a conversation for another day.

I don't know what I want from you. I don't know what I want from myself. I don't know what I want from writing this letter. I just hate this lingering silence we've created...I've created. Yeah, I guess this is all my fault. And even more so now that I've given up. But you had a hand in it too. I guess you just can't help it though. I'm the one who fell right? Out of your control.

I'm not really sure what happens next. All I know is I miss you, and everything we had. Ball's in your court.

--Tee