Day ???

Well, it's been a long time since I've last blogged, but that doesn't mean it's been a long time since I've been working on my goals.

After much nagging from my mom, I started really studying for my driver's license. One and a half hours today.

Short films? They're all half projects...But I do have a wall of ideas beside my desk which is a constant reminder to work on this. I did, however put up a new video on my Youtube. Does this count as a video? Still undecided...

Film and theatre scripts...getting there. One of my theatre scripts is just about done, but it's only 12 pages.

Research university information is practically done. But I think I just need a good chat with my guidance counselor before solidifying anything in my mind. Open mindedness is a good asset.

Get fit...well, I've been slacking (unless walking the mall is exercise). But I did exercise for a little more than half an hour today.

Get smart? Maybe I'll do that tomorrow...or in a few weeks...I've got time.

Figure out what I want. CHECK! Surprisingly, summer gives me a lot of alone time and I relistened (apparently not a word) to a self-help CD that my teacher gave me a while back. I know what I want. I know who I want to be. I've got a clear head and nobody can take my positive energy from me. They're not allowed.

Work on my dream/goal book. Doing it right now.

Today, I also came across a blog called "Stop Dating Ben & Jerry". How cleverly named. In one of their posts, {CLICK!} "39 Little Adventures for Living a Great Life", they give some great advice and some things for me to do in my effort to LIVE a fulfilling life.

Some that stood out to me:

1. Drink Plenty of Water - Yes, in fact, my mom spent all of last week preaching the benefits of more water to me!

4. Live with the 3 E’s — Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy

11.Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

16.Dream more while you are awake

23.Smile and laugh more.

26.Each day give something good to others.

36.No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

{.tee.}

p.s. Wow, in a very good mood.

Why Am I Doing This?

Excellent question to evaluate how healthy this reinvention actually is.

Yes, there's a part of me that says: to get back at him. A tabloid once said, success is the greatest revenge. But wouldn't that just justify everything he said? He says he doesn't want to get in the way of all the stuff I do, so, if through this reinvention I become that super powerful, independent, confident girl (without him), I just fuel his reason for not believing in the "us".

Yet, the other half of me wants me to do this for myself. I spent a lot of time waiting for life to happen. I'm sick of waiting. I'm going to take matters into my own hands. That's powerful.

Maybe that's it. If he can't handle the fact that I'm going where I want to, maximum speed, then maybe we wouldn't have worked out.

I hear a lot of celebrities say how their busy schedule keeps them from having a "personal life" because nobody understands. Carrie Underwood once said that she would only date in the industry because they'll understand how busy she is or how tired she can get. I'm no celeb, but maybe we're not that different.

So if he thinks he can't handle it, then that's completely fine. Because I'm still young and there'll be plenty of other guys out there that would be great for me. Guys that can relate to my craziness. And that's the hope I'll fall asleep with.

Wow, blogging breakthrough. Better than therapy because it's free!

{...tee}

p.s. Day 4 - Not really focusing too much on the other goals except for my short films and getting fit. But tomorrow is a brand new day. Focus. =)

Reinvention: Day 3

I think I'm doing quite well. It's kind of empowering.

But, I still have a long way to go...and I don't see any signs of giving up just yet.

{...tee}

Reinvention: Day 2

End of Day Two of Reinvention...I'm thinking I need to add "WAKE UP AT A REASONABLE HOUR" to my list of goals...12 pm texts from a friend should NOT be an alarm clock.

So today I exercised, started a production channel (TEE Production Studios) and will work on my creative writing in a bit. Maybe I should study for my driver's license too...I seriously need to stop sleeping for 12 hours. It takes away too much time in my life.

{...tee}

The Art of Reinvention

This summer, I am setting out on a journey to change and finally feel fulfilled. Of course there will be things that I will have to wait for, like love and a career. But there are still plenty of things that I can do now.

This whole thing started with my friends messaging me online and saying that this summer is the summer before we go absolutely crazy nerdy in senior year. They are in fact correct. So, their plan was for us to create a few group goals (like having a fancy English brunch) and a few personal ones (like talking up a cute stranger).

I started thinking, and being the optimist I usually am, have created a two month reinvention goal for myself. From now until school starts again, I will be working a little bit each day to become the person I can look back and say “wow, kudos” (probably not in those exact words).

Goals:

• Get my driver’s license
• Create Eight Short Films (one down!)
• Finish writing my film and theatre scripts
• Research University Information
• Get fit
• Get smart
• Figure out what I want
• Work on my dream/goal board

Today was Day 1:

I’m reading the driver’s ed. handbook right now, thought of an idea for my next film, and exercised for half an hour. Good start, I’d say.

{…tee}

another song about a broken heart

this is not healthy, but I have to do it anyways.

Dear {blank},

I wish things would've turned out differently. I actually believed they would. I guess things never go according to plan, right? I mean, you never planned for me to admit what I was feeling, did you?

The whole time we were there, I just wanted to tell you everything that was circulating in my head. Because there were so many things that I never told you, never showed you before. But I couldn't get anything out. Maybe somewhere inside, I didn't want to get anything out. Because as much as I wanted us, I was scared too.

And things seem kind of like a blur right now, but I just thought you should know that I want you to be selfish. Yes, I've got all these things going for me. I'm a busy girl, and I like being busy. But at the end of the day, I wish there was somebody there to say, "Good night". I wish I had someone to hug goodbye when I leave and to get excited about seeing.

That day you walked me to your door and waited. Do you remember that? I almost kissed you. I know it was a joke to you. But that night really got me confused about what was happening.

I'm not confused anymore.

I know that I've developed feelings that are stronger than ever before. How do I know this? Because I can't control things this time like I've done before. I can't turn it off like I've done before.

Now I'm hearing stories, left and right. I don't know how much is true. Are they saying it to get back at me? Are they saying it because it's what I want to hear? And it's driving me insane trying to figure this out alone. I want to talk to you but I don't want this to be the end. Ever.

I'd apologize for starting this. I'd apologize for ruining what we had. But I don't think I want to. I do, but I don't. It was a risk. And now we don't have to ever wonder what if, right? I guess it doesn't really matter now, anyways. What's done can't be undone.

To be completely honest though, I think you're hiding something else. Another reason that you're not tell me or anyone else we know. I guess I am too. But that's a conversation for another day.

I don't know what I want from you. I don't know what I want from myself. I don't know what I want from writing this letter. I just hate this lingering silence we've created...I've created. Yeah, I guess this is all my fault. And even more so now that I've given up. But you had a hand in it too. I guess you just can't help it though. I'm the one who fell right? Out of your control.

I'm not really sure what happens next. All I know is I miss you, and everything we had. Ball's in your court.

--Tee

giving back the ring

I woke up this morning and I couldn't take it anymore.

As much as I love him, I don't want to keep getting my heart broken by him.

Who said knowledge is power? Knowledge is tearing me apart.

{...tee}

If you can hear me, I'm so, so sorry.

Three things to note...

1) Today I went to the beach and brought it home with me in my fold-up capris.

2) I bought myself the Chase Coy cd, Picturesque. AMAZING.

3) I've never been more confused, scared, and excited by the possibility of love as I am right now.

{...tee}