Words

I'd like to start with an apology for the way I've been acting lately.  The truth of the matter is, I'm tired.  Between all the things I have to do and all the people asking me for favours, I'm tired.  So when you asked me to move my schedule for you, this was the one time I couldn't.  I wanted to, but I couldn't.  And I was upset that you put me in a position to feel guilty for not doing so.  But I was too tired to deal with it, so I didn't.  I stayed silent.

6:02

So we haven't talked in a week and now you're asking me if I want to change that.

Well, I'm not so sure anymore.

Where were you a week ago when I wanted to work this out?  When I wasn't too tired to fight for this?
Where were you a week ago, before I cried for you, before I realized exactly who we were?
Where were you a week ago before my life took off?

As much as it hurts to say it, I accepted the idea of not having you around anymore.  I was getting used to not hearing from you.  I was getting used to not knowing what you were up to, how your day was.  I learned to accept a new normal.  I've done it before and there's nothing in my way now of doing it again.

I hated who I was.  I hated that I was THAT girl with you.  I don't want to be THAT girl.  And I don't want you to be THAT guy.

I miss you.  I'll admit that.  But what about you?  Did you miss me too, or are you just bored again?

Is it worth it to try and figure out goodbye?  Is it worth it to try and get back what we had?  Is it worth it to just continue never knowing any of it all?

I guess either way, you're going to resent me.  You're going to hate me for the things I did and you're going to hate me for the things I didn't do.

So what if you were to tell me that we haven't talked in a week, is that something I might be interested in changing?

I would've stayed up with you all night had I known how to save a life...

Breathe

I thought I was over that night in November.  That night when I didn't feel safe being in the same room as you.  I thought I had forgiven that because you weren't you, and I wasn't me.
But I'm not.  I don't even know who I'm more upset at.  You for being so rude to me.  Or me for allowing it.

I thought I was over all the times that I made time for you and all those other times you didn't make time for me.  All those times I helped you.  All the things that you don't know I went through.  I made you a priority and you wrote me off.
Again, what am I more upset about?  You not giving me the same commitment I gave you, or me for giving too much to you.

And in the middle of one of my longest, most stressful weeks, you get mad at me.  I'm helping you win over a girl you think you like and I forget that it's me who is doing you the favour this time.  And even though I'm the one doing the favour, you're the one calling the shots.  So when my week starts me drain me down, you're getting mad, like it's my fault that I can't deliver a package to you at the most convenient time for you.  The worst part is that I didn't even know it wasn't my fault until someone else said so.  But at the end of it all, you're mad and I feel bad about it.  In a way, maybe it is my fault.  But maybe it isn't.  And then you tell me that you've done nothing all week.  You had all the time in the world this week and made me feel guilty for being too busy to bring the package to you.  For working hard in school and at my career and making time for family.

I made life too easy for you.  I accommodated you too much.  And now I feel used.

This becomes a problem when it happens over and over again.  I don't like seeing the worst in people.  But I guess being kind isn't always taken the right ways.  It happened this past week.  This long week, I was hurt by somebody else who only talked to me for the purpose of using me for their own advancement.  Calling me cute because they knew I'd think they were being genuine.  And I thank you for being there that night I was hurting.  But I didn't expect to end the week feeling used once again by you.  And that's a kind of pain I haven't felt in a while.  To see my best friend turn their back on me.  To feel like my best friend was using me all this time.

Not that we've been this toxic all the time.  Because you have been one of the best things to have happened to me.  You made me smile.  You made me feel better.  You gave me reasons to look forward to things and take chances.  I know you'll never care about me as much as I do you, but the honest truth is, there are not too many people who care that much about me.  I've learned to get by without others.  So when somebody does care, I don't take that lightly.  I don't want to lose you.  I can't imagine my life without you.

Now that we're not speaking, I'm finding myself stopping to check my phone for messages from you.  I find myself wanting to tell you all these things that we used to talk about.  All the little things.  The silly things.  The inside jokes.  All the things that I don't share with any other person.  But I can't tell you.

So what do I do now?

Old Stars

What I don't understand is how I could've been so wrong about everything I thought was happening.  I spent an entire year thinking about him, catering to him, wasting every star wishing for him.  I thought that he meant it like I did when he told me "I love you" and when he said all those kind words to me.  I thought it meant something to him when I stayed up with him every night.  I thought he meant something by "you'll always come first" and "I don't want to lose you".  But I was wrong.
And now somebody else is slowly making their way into my life, into my heart, and he encourages it.  It doesn't even cross his mind that maybe he made a mistake.  It doesn't cross his mind that he may lose me to someone else.  That his best friend will be committed to someone else and therefore, can no longer be his best friend like that anymore.
That's the hardest part.
That he doesn't care.
Forget the relationship.  He doesn't even care about losing me as a friend.
That's what hurts the most.
What I'm most scared about is that I was so sure, but so wrong.  What if it happens again now as I jump?

Seventeen Forever

It's not that I didn't have a great time hanging out with you.  At the end of the day, you're still my friend.  But I've come to realize that sometimes, people change and grow.  And when they're not together, they'll grow apart.  I'm so happy with where I am right now and where I'm going.  I don't regret anything in my past, but I don't want to live there.
I don't want to stay seventeen forever and that's how it feels like when I'm spending my hours with you.  It's all about reminiscing and being who we used to be.  When really, I want to be who I am now.
I can just feel it.  I can feel that I'm on the brink of everything to come and I can't waste my present moments being seventeen.  I want to live in the now.  I want to see the future.
This doesn't mean we can't sit for a coffee every now and then and think back on the memories.  It just means that I don't feel compelled to put down all my projects and pause my life to chat with you about the little things every day.
Life's big.  I want to be in it.

This Week

Monday.
It's been about a year since I started feeling so overwhelmed by how I felt for you.  I'm sitting in the cutest cafe with my best friend and we talk and talk like we always do.  And she makes me brave because I never am.  She makes me think about myself, because I never do.  She tells me I can't go wrong, because I always do.
Monday (night).
I'm going over everything she says and I want to tell you.  Pour my heart out, except this time, not in a song or unread blogs.  I'm thinking I don't want to be with someone that I'll always love more than they'll love me back.  I'm thinking that you're the only person who has ever loved me this much.  I'm thinking that if I had a chance, I'd know by now, you don't wait for things.  I'm thinking I hate you for constantly telling me how much you love me and care about you.  How happy I make you.  I'm thinking that if nothing's going right in my life, I have to change it.  No more waiting for life to happen.  It's happening.  I'm thinking I don't trust you.  I'm thinking "long live the reckless and the brave".
Monday (night, still).
I don't sleep.  I'm going over every possible scenario.
Tuesday.
I feel sick.  Thinking about what you could possibly be thinking about.  I can't concentrate.  I can't eat.  I can't be normal.
Tuesday (evening).
She tells me everything will be alright.  But the truth is, I'm confused myself, never mind you for a minute. Why did I do it?  I don't know.  If I wanted to be reckless and brave, I could have played with another boy's emotions.  Told him that I still cared.  Spent the night in his arms.  But I didn't.  I chose the one relationship I really cared about.  That's where I messed up.
Tuesday (night).
You tell me everything will be alright.  You love me, just not the way I love you.  You tell me we can be the friends we always were.  I want to believe you.  I want it to be true.  But the truth is, it's not going to be normal.  We're not going to stay up until three a.m. talking about absolutely nothing at all.  I'm not going to be the one you turn to about your problems.  I lost the right to know about what you're doing and how you're feeling every day when I spilled my heart out.  That's the reality I figured out.
Wednesday (evening).
I want something to be passionate about.  I want to feel happy about something.  My career?  My family?  My love life?  I'm feeling trapped in a destiny I thought I wanted and locked myself into.  And I lost the one person who was able to take my mind off of being unsatisfied.  You don't know much about me, but you were able to make me feel better.  By just being there.  You don't have to know what happened, you don't have to say anything about it, you don't even have to know I'm sad.  Just you being there was enough.
Wednesday (night).
I drink because I can.  It's the feeling of being reckless and brave.  It's the feeling of being something I wasn't before.  It's the possibility of feeling like maybe I can forget about my life for a second.
Thursday (morning).
I wake up early, exercise, go to work.  I'm self sufficient.  I'm confident when I walk.
Thursday (evening).
I still love you.  But I'm going to make you wish you hadn't lost me.  I'm going to be successful.  I'm going to be pretty.  I'm going to be the person I've always idolized.  And if that isn't enough for you, then maybe it will be for somebody new.
Friday.
I can feel the change.  It's easy to forget about the bad when I'm too focused on the now.  Too focused on optimism and looking for better.  I do what I want to.  I live how I want to.  I finish my to-do list.
Saturday.
I miss you. 

Wait for It

He's not here right now to make me feel better.  To fill up this void that I'm feeling.  To share in all the things I love and convince me otherwise when I give up on my dreams and passions.  He's not here right now to know what colour my eyes are or feel the warmth of my breath on his skin.

But he's alive, right now, in this moment.  He's breathing.  And in time, fate will find us together.  And then, he will be here.

And until that day, I have to sit here.  And wait.

This is Sunday.

You're not there when I need you the most. But maybe it's my fault for not being articulate. For always being the girl with a hard turtle shell and never asking to need anyone. Maybe I just try to be brave for you.

It's somehow easier to pretend to be smiling and jumping off the walls then sitting down and letting you in.

Maybe the safest place for me to hide is in these notes and these chords, these lyrics and melodies.

Reminiscing?

Pizza & laughs, a movie, and walking me to my door.

But most of all, I just want you to be there.

To pull me in close when you see me.

And to tell me goodnight with the glow from the streetlights resting on your face.