This is Sunday.

You're not there when I need you the most. But maybe it's my fault for not being articulate. For always being the girl with a hard turtle shell and never asking to need anyone. Maybe I just try to be brave for you.

It's somehow easier to pretend to be smiling and jumping off the walls then sitting down and letting you in.

Maybe the safest place for me to hide is in these notes and these chords, these lyrics and melodies.

Reminiscing?

Pizza & laughs, a movie, and walking me to my door.

But most of all, I just want you to be there.

To pull me in close when you see me.

And to tell me goodnight with the glow from the streetlights resting on your face.

This is the part of me that you're never gonna ever take away from me.

Fallout

Hermit

I want to be a hermit in a shell.  I spend the whole day giving my 100% to everyone else around me and when I get home, I want to slink away and be with myself for a change.  That's how I used to be and I was happy.  Then he broke down the walls and made me always available.  And you know what?  I was happy.  And I was so fine with that fact that I was willing to invite him in.  But now, I'm realizing that it's not going to be that way.  He's not going to be the one that I want and need.  That is perfectly okay.  It's just that now times are changing once again and all I want is some time to be with myself.  I spent a long time defining myself as a party of two and I need to figure out who it is that I want to be.  Who is this party of one.  Because I obviously lost sight of that.  And I want to find it back.  I lost sight of what I wanted for myself in life.  Something separate from who you are and what you want.  What you want for me is not the same thing.  So please, can I have my nights back?  Please?

Contagious

His laugh is contagious.
It's the kind that comes from deep within
Exploding into the world
Genuine.
You can tell by his eyes
They dance with sparks and light
Reminiscent of fireworks
Breaking night.
It brings a smile upon his face
This is what happiness looks like
An apathy for what others think
Care-free.
But that's what makes it difficult for him to see me
And the obvious fact that
At the very root of it all
His laugh is contagious.

Hey Anon, here's your answer.

They say to never let your past haunt you and keep you from doing things in the present.  But I guess that's easier said than done.

I've been hurt in the past and I've lost my best friend in the past over this thing called "love".  And that taught me to be more guarded.  That taught me that over time, I'll get over it.

So when it happened again, the falling in love with your best friend thing, I decided to 1) ignore it, and when that didn't work, I'd 2) deal with it.

The first one obviously didn't work, so I opted for the second one.

To be completely honest, I don't think I'll ever tell him how I feel.  I can't risk losing another friend.  I can't risk losing him in particular.  And one day, I'll get over these feelings, like I did before.  But this time, I'll still have him in my life at the end of it all.

Besides, he's in love with someone else.

But she loves somebody else.

And he tells me that I have no clue how much he's hurting.  How much it hurts to listen to the person you have feelings for fall for someone else.

-----

Hey Anon, here's your answer.  Still curious about your identity, but that's what I get for posting on the internet, right?

Better off asleep or up

Today.

Today, I saw my father cry.  This is the man who is always strong.  This is the man who was calm after injuring himself doing home renovations.

Today, I also saw my mother cry.  This is the woman who never cries.  This is the woman who's rational mind keeps the family going.

Today, I saw my sister cry.  This is the girl who puts up a fight and never accepts defeat.

Today, I saw my family show love.  We never show love.  We don't do the whole hugging thing.  We don't touch.  We don't talk about what we're feeling.

Today, I learned that we, as human beings, are not so different at all.  We all go through a loss.  We all go through pain.  We all have insecurities and skeletons we don't show each other.  And sometimes, those things we hide deep in the corners of our minds, they come out.  We don't mean for those things to happen.  Sometimes, they just do.

Today, I've also learned that life is precious.  The little moments, they're precious too.  The big stuff, well yes, they're precious too.  The people around you, they're priceless.  I learned that I need to appreciate everything that's in my life right now.  Pretty soon, they might not be there.

Today, I completely understood why they say that love makes the world go round.

Last Dance

This is a song I wrote about a year ago after my school dance.  It's about constantly holding onto that slight chance that all your expectations and fairy tale stories will come true.  But sometimes they don't.  Sometimes you have to accept that there may not be that last dance.

Lyrics:
The lights fade, the spotlight glowing
I see your face and I wish you'd stay
You pick me up, said "You look gorgeous"
I didn't mean to turn around

Come back, won't you?  Come back.
I've been holding on to that chance
of our last dance.

The music slows, they've all got someone to hold
I look for you in a crowded room
The time goes by, the end of the night
I realize that you're no longer mine


Come back, won't you?  Come back.
I've been holding on to that chance
of our last dance.