Bright Lights

I took in the city lights.
Bright.
Magical.
Untouchable.
I stood twenty-six floors above the world.
And I saw my reflection in the glass.
This, I thought, this is what I dreamed of.
This is what I worked for.
And sitting in the passenger seat home,
I took one last glance at the city skyline.
Tall glass buildings.
Shiny stadium rooftops.
Lights.
I've been smiling all night.
A genuine smile.
Uncontrollable.
And I can still hardly believe it.
I'm not sweating the little stuff.
I'm not getting distracted from this moment.
I'm not building crazy expectations.
I'm taking in everything.
Step by step.
Minute by minute.
Taking in life.

Life's not always perfect, but when it is, my gosh, it's beautiful.

Like Ever

When I first heard "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together", I didn't like it.  Very pop and mainstream.  Not country at all.  And it angered me that Taylor keeps calling herself a country artist when the sounds don't bring that "southern country comfort" that country music brings.  I was also mad that she called her album "RED" because that was Dia Frampton's album name and now she will be over shadowed by Taylor.

But the next day, I found myself singing Taylor's song.  And the day after that.

And despite all these technicalities of what is country music and album names, I still loved the song, and I still loved Taylor.

The video hit and I was confused and disappointed again.  As a filmmaker, I absolutely loved the concept of the video.  As a fan, I was disappointed at the chaos.

But then I watched Taylor in an interview talking about the song.  She said it's about that moment in a relationship where you stop caring about what he thinks of you.  You stop caring to try to fit his life.  You stop caring to make it work.  And I got it.  The song doesn't care about its genre or its fans.  The video doesn't care either.

And today, I stopped caring too.

Today, I set myself free from him.  And this is a powerful feeling.

I'm still going to be nice and genuine, because I care.  I can't help but care for people.  I like talking to people and being there for them.  But I don't care if he likes me.  I don't care how I look in front of him.  I don't care if he's texting when I'm doing something else.  I don't care if he chooses to be in my life or not.

So bring on the animal costumes and bring on the spoken song lyrics because we are never ever ever getting back together.  Like ever.

(hyperbole but the idea's there, haha)

The First Note

There's something calming about hearing your favourite song.  It's a sense of security.  Predictability.  Familiarity.  It brings a warm feeling inside.  A sense of being at peace.  The melody fills the otherwise silence or banging of war in your head.  You're transported to your first memory of hearing it.  You're transported to the most vivid memory of when you've heard it play.  You're hearing the voice you've been searching for.

There's also something calming about hearing a song from your favourite band or artist.  They don't know who you are or what they've done for you, but you still feel this incredible connection to them.  They personify a time in your life: an emotion, an event.  They become the one who's there when nobody else is.  You idolize their ability to save lives.  Their ability to live.  Their ability to be passionate.

And no matter who else, or what else, makes its way to your iPod.  No matter who else, or what else, gives you a sense of inner peace.  Nothing compares to that one song by that one artist.  Nothing compares to that feeling.  Nothing can take you to that place like that first note.  No matter how long its been since you've last listened to that band.  Despite choosing other albums to listen to.  You'll always come back.  And you'll be reminded once again of the power that music can have.

it goes on.

"In three words, I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on." - Robert Frost

And it really does.

Words

I'd like to start with an apology for the way I've been acting lately.  The truth of the matter is, I'm tired.  Between all the things I have to do and all the people asking me for favours, I'm tired.  So when you asked me to move my schedule for you, this was the one time I couldn't.  I wanted to, but I couldn't.  And I was upset that you put me in a position to feel guilty for not doing so.  But I was too tired to deal with it, so I didn't.  I stayed silent.

6:02

So we haven't talked in a week and now you're asking me if I want to change that.

Well, I'm not so sure anymore.

Where were you a week ago when I wanted to work this out?  When I wasn't too tired to fight for this?
Where were you a week ago, before I cried for you, before I realized exactly who we were?
Where were you a week ago before my life took off?

As much as it hurts to say it, I accepted the idea of not having you around anymore.  I was getting used to not hearing from you.  I was getting used to not knowing what you were up to, how your day was.  I learned to accept a new normal.  I've done it before and there's nothing in my way now of doing it again.

I hated who I was.  I hated that I was THAT girl with you.  I don't want to be THAT girl.  And I don't want you to be THAT guy.

I miss you.  I'll admit that.  But what about you?  Did you miss me too, or are you just bored again?

Is it worth it to try and figure out goodbye?  Is it worth it to try and get back what we had?  Is it worth it to just continue never knowing any of it all?

I guess either way, you're going to resent me.  You're going to hate me for the things I did and you're going to hate me for the things I didn't do.

So what if you were to tell me that we haven't talked in a week, is that something I might be interested in changing?

I would've stayed up with you all night had I known how to save a life...

Breathe

I thought I was over that night in November.  That night when I didn't feel safe being in the same room as you.  I thought I had forgiven that because you weren't you, and I wasn't me.
But I'm not.  I don't even know who I'm more upset at.  You for being so rude to me.  Or me for allowing it.

I thought I was over all the times that I made time for you and all those other times you didn't make time for me.  All those times I helped you.  All the things that you don't know I went through.  I made you a priority and you wrote me off.
Again, what am I more upset about?  You not giving me the same commitment I gave you, or me for giving too much to you.

And in the middle of one of my longest, most stressful weeks, you get mad at me.  I'm helping you win over a girl you think you like and I forget that it's me who is doing you the favour this time.  And even though I'm the one doing the favour, you're the one calling the shots.  So when my week starts me drain me down, you're getting mad, like it's my fault that I can't deliver a package to you at the most convenient time for you.  The worst part is that I didn't even know it wasn't my fault until someone else said so.  But at the end of it all, you're mad and I feel bad about it.  In a way, maybe it is my fault.  But maybe it isn't.  And then you tell me that you've done nothing all week.  You had all the time in the world this week and made me feel guilty for being too busy to bring the package to you.  For working hard in school and at my career and making time for family.

I made life too easy for you.  I accommodated you too much.  And now I feel used.

This becomes a problem when it happens over and over again.  I don't like seeing the worst in people.  But I guess being kind isn't always taken the right ways.  It happened this past week.  This long week, I was hurt by somebody else who only talked to me for the purpose of using me for their own advancement.  Calling me cute because they knew I'd think they were being genuine.  And I thank you for being there that night I was hurting.  But I didn't expect to end the week feeling used once again by you.  And that's a kind of pain I haven't felt in a while.  To see my best friend turn their back on me.  To feel like my best friend was using me all this time.

Not that we've been this toxic all the time.  Because you have been one of the best things to have happened to me.  You made me smile.  You made me feel better.  You gave me reasons to look forward to things and take chances.  I know you'll never care about me as much as I do you, but the honest truth is, there are not too many people who care that much about me.  I've learned to get by without others.  So when somebody does care, I don't take that lightly.  I don't want to lose you.  I can't imagine my life without you.

Now that we're not speaking, I'm finding myself stopping to check my phone for messages from you.  I find myself wanting to tell you all these things that we used to talk about.  All the little things.  The silly things.  The inside jokes.  All the things that I don't share with any other person.  But I can't tell you.

So what do I do now?

Old Stars

What I don't understand is how I could've been so wrong about everything I thought was happening.  I spent an entire year thinking about him, catering to him, wasting every star wishing for him.  I thought that he meant it like I did when he told me "I love you" and when he said all those kind words to me.  I thought it meant something to him when I stayed up with him every night.  I thought he meant something by "you'll always come first" and "I don't want to lose you".  But I was wrong.
And now somebody else is slowly making their way into my life, into my heart, and he encourages it.  It doesn't even cross his mind that maybe he made a mistake.  It doesn't cross his mind that he may lose me to someone else.  That his best friend will be committed to someone else and therefore, can no longer be his best friend like that anymore.
That's the hardest part.
That he doesn't care.
Forget the relationship.  He doesn't even care about losing me as a friend.
That's what hurts the most.
What I'm most scared about is that I was so sure, but so wrong.  What if it happens again now as I jump?

Seventeen Forever

It's not that I didn't have a great time hanging out with you.  At the end of the day, you're still my friend.  But I've come to realize that sometimes, people change and grow.  And when they're not together, they'll grow apart.  I'm so happy with where I am right now and where I'm going.  I don't regret anything in my past, but I don't want to live there.
I don't want to stay seventeen forever and that's how it feels like when I'm spending my hours with you.  It's all about reminiscing and being who we used to be.  When really, I want to be who I am now.
I can just feel it.  I can feel that I'm on the brink of everything to come and I can't waste my present moments being seventeen.  I want to live in the now.  I want to see the future.
This doesn't mean we can't sit for a coffee every now and then and think back on the memories.  It just means that I don't feel compelled to put down all my projects and pause my life to chat with you about the little things every day.
Life's big.  I want to be in it.